#I’m gonna get to the new episodes soon but I wanted a refresher

[camifornilla]

I forgot how much I fucking loved My Adventures With Superman. I’m rewatching it right now and I’m SOOOOO giddy! While I adore evil kryptonians, I’m so FUCKIN GLAD to see iconography of our boy Brainiac

[2manythoughtz]

Reasons Why Nate Is The Most Misunderstood Character Of Euphoria

Nate is probably the most misunderstood character of all the series, people both adore and hate him, but why is that?

When you think of Euphoria the first characters that come to mind are Rue, Jules, Maddy and Cassie. While they’re all very well-defined characters, I think we can all agree that Euphoria is great at leaving a cloud of mystery around these people. So, while you take in their backstories and see what they’re up to, you might question their actions and their reasoning since they don’t exactly show you everything you want to know.

While plot holes and mischaracterization aren’t new to fans, what seem like small mistakes when talking about the main characters can later become big trouble for other secondary characters like Nate.

To refresh your mind, Nate is the youngest son of a very important and wealthy family, his great looks and athleticism made him one of the most popular kids in school. He’s the usual asshole jock you can find in any kind of movie, only in Euphoria you can see so many different shades of him that you end up confused and you don’t know what type of person he is.

Why is he so misunderstood in the series?

As I said earlier, he is your typical jock. He’s a douche who plays football, gets the girl, throws wild parties and is overall a pretty bad person. That is until we see his backstory and realize that something is wrong.

1. Sexuality

I’m gonna stop on this point for a while because I feel like no one ever cared/understood what was going on. Ever since we got our first look at Nate’s backstory, during episode 2 of season 1 “Stuntin like my daddy”, I think people have entirely misunderstood his character based on his sexuality.

As we get to see, his psyche is very dark and twisted because of his father’s influence from a very young age, though it was indirect it didn’t stop him from getting this obsession with sex. We can see this through his whole relationship with Maddy which is very sexual and almost obsessive, which to me feels like kind of an anchor to his heterosexuality. But that doesn’t mean that he is homosexual, differently from what everyone in the series seems to think as soon as they find out that he has dick pics on his phone.

So what is he? Truth is, it doesn’t really matter? I don’t think people should concentrate on the right label as the show is good at portraying the fact that sexuality is fluid. If you think about Rue, everyone was so quick to accept her and her relationship just because she’s the protagonist, Jules also gets acclaimed for her initial confusion but Nate gets immediately ridiculed and seen as this weird boy.

Another thing that I see a lot of people talking about is his obsession with Jules in the first season, which to me doesn’t sound like a romantic interest at all and it just goes so far as for the sexual part. They’ve only shared nudes and Nate was no stranger to receiving nudes from other people, both men and women apparently, so there was never something special between them. Yes, they texted a lot and he seemed genuine in getting to know her, but let’s all remember that it all started because Nate knew Jules had hooked up with his father and wanted to protect his family’s name.

I really like how in the first season no one really talks about his preferences that much because we’re all focused on his toxic side after he attacked Maddy.

The second season was a hot mess, that is no secret. I’m not surprised he went for Cassie, if you think about it really hard it makes sense. She is everything he liked and everything Maddy wasn’t. At least at first, in the end, we’re left with a lot of questions after the school play which makes fun of Nate being gay for no apparent reason. We’re left with this curiosity, is Nate really gay and hiding his preferences because that’s what he’s been taught? Or is he simply confused and still trying to understand himself?

2. Trauma

As much as everyone hates Nate’s ways, we must remember that everything happens for a reason. In his case, Nate’s father is the real reason behind his behavior. This is in no way a reason to excuse what he did in the series nor justify him, just trying to understand the reasoning behind his character.

Euphoria has done an incredible job of showing the different traumas that affected most of the main characters, it’s amazing to see how their childhoods impacted their teenage years regardless of how serious you think their problems might be. In this sense, Nate’s childhood is very well described.

Not only he had an emotionally absent father, but he’s only seen his dad being obsessed with having the perfect family while hiding away every flaw they might have. Nate is born with this unexplained anger inside of him that we later find out is passed down by his father, that alone makes it hard for him to grow up without anyone ever noticing it.

The rest of his family is messed up as well, but the father is the real reason for how he behaves. Nate finds out about his father’s sexuality through the recordings of his random hookups with gay men and trans women, this significantly impacts little Nate’s mentality.

Not only does he learn that his father is cheating on his mother, but he also tries to hide his preferences meaning that they’re wrong. Of course, we know that that is not the case, but everything is very well explained in season 2 when we see Cal Jacobs in his teen years having difficulties with his sexuality as well, but that’s another topic to look into.

Nate’s constant obsessive behavior is just a replica of his father’s desperate tentative to have a perfect family while hiding himself. One of the main reasons why I don’t think Nate is necessarily gay is that he is never shown to have a genuine interest in men romantically speaking, just trying to fill his father’s shoes.

3. Toxic Relationships

As I said before, he is in a very toxic relationship with Maddy in season 1 and in yet another toxic relationship with Cassie in season 2. That definitely goes to define his view of love and relationships, not only that but his only example of a regular couple is his parents who barely talk to each other.

Maddy can be labeled as his first love, he goes as far as saying that he would kill for her. But it is also shown that they argue a lot and have many differences that cause them to yell at each other and become physical and that only goes to reinforce his idea that with love comes anger and it’s ok as long as it’s not out there for everybody to see.

That is shown when Nate reacts violently to Maddy insulting him in front of his family and everybody standing there. But when faced with the question about his sexuality he breaks down because he doesn’t know what acceptance is, he feels like he has failed.

With Cassie everything seems to be perfect, she’s gentle and delicate and he thinks she would be perfect to be his future wife. But as their relationship develops, we can see that he quickly regrets his decision once he sees just how broken she is. She’s perfect on the outside but she may be worse than Maddy on the inside and I believe that will definitely shape his view of relationships in the future and he’ll think twice before getting with anyone.

This can also be proved by the fact that even if he and Maddy broke up, they kept meeting up and acting like a couple, even when he was with Cassie. To me, this shows that he’s not comfortable getting with new people and would rather stay with the old toxic ones.

As I said earlier, Nate seemed genuine in talking to Jules even if he wasn’t honest with her. When she finds out that the boy she has fallen for is none other than the school’s jock she is disappointed and scared which is understandable from our point of view, but I think that left Nate bittersweet. He knew he was blackmailing her but from his point of view as long as she kept quiet he wasn’t going to do anything to her, what might’ve developed into a friendship became a hate relationship.

Going into seasons 1 and 2, Nate never tries to hurt Jules again and seems kind of melancholic that they’re not talking anymore. That might be just another way for him to see that he is not fit for friendships with the other sex and keep his view of women as these objects for his pleasure and status.

4. Self-esteem issues

Throughout the series, we can see that Nate is not this big confident jock as everyone think he is. In fact, he is very self-conscious about himself in every way. We can get a first glimpse of this in the second episode of season 1.

Nate has been working out ever since he was a child to get the perfect body, he is ashamed of his insecurities and tends to hide from others. He doesn’t like changing with his teammates in the locker room, he doesn’t feel comfortable having people around him and he needs to be in control of the situation and also everyone close to him.

His sexuality of course is his number one insecurity, he doesn’t know how to hide it so he tries his best to focus on finding the perfect girl. As I anticipated before, his relationship with Maddy feels like an excuse to feel and show his heterosexuality even though we know he isn’t. As soon as that facade is over he doesn’t seem to care about anything, not Maddy, not Cassie and definitely not Jules.

His aggression, his jealousy and his need to protect those he cares about all come from the fact that he is insecure, he fears they will leave him and he’ll lose the only people he actually accepts. At the end of the day, he is still a teenager and feels just like most teenagers which is something I feel like most people completely forget and see him just as this grown asshole that only cares about himself.

In conclusion, while Nate is probably the most hated character in the series, he is so complex and has a lot of potential, it’s a shame that it was wasted in the end. There is so much more to say about him that I think was completely missed throughout the second season. There is so much people want to know about Nate’s future, is he going to hide all his life and play pretend like his father? Or will he break the cycle and finally be himself?

What do you think? Feel free to join the discussion with your personal thoughts! Do you agree? Do you disagree? Let me know!

[sfznyxio]

-ˋˏ LET'S GET THIS BREAD! ˎˊ

SYNOPSIS. you’re a new employee at saboten bakery. your regulars are quite interesting, a bunch of delinquent high school boys who fight with good intentions. this time, they didn’t come just for the bread; they came in hopes to impress the cute newbie at the counter.

CHARACTERS. sakura haruka, suo hayato, nirei akihiko, umemiya hajime, togame jo

CONTENT. gn!reader. canon-compliant. fluff. 1.6k wc. inspired by episode 10, and idk if this counts as a minor spoiler but it's a specific moment about anpan in togame's section. slight possessiveness (suo). nicknames (adorable baker, cutie - suo; my trusty bodyguard - nirei; my little bread roll - togame). reader was dismissed for being creative at their old town (umemiya).

VERA. reached 100+ followers! binged this series and now i’m obsessed. suo is a little shit but he’s my little shit. the title has been rotting in my mind after learning that dr. ratio’s en va bakes bread so what a perfect opportunity lol. just curious, is anyone planning to play zenless zone zero in a few days?

𝄞༉‧₊˚. SAKURA HARUKA

“don’t just stand there. it looks like you’re gonna shit. in broad daylight too… how embarrassing.” sakura is quick to defend himself, flustered as usual. teasing him has become the norm whenever he visits, seeing that his friends have fun doing so and his face turns red. speaking of which, he wouldn’t go to the bakery unless they drag him along, so you wonder what brings him here today.

“nu… num… forget it! i’m outta here.” as sakura reaches for the exit, you notice his phone on the counter. before giving it back to him, you input your number and send yourself a message. the gossip from suo is true; he’s shy to ask for your contact information. when you return his phone to him, he transforms into a volcano, ready to explode any second. “hey! who the hell gave you permission?”

“there wasn’t a password, so you should set that up for next time. you’re welcome.” sakura loses his entire firepower when you present to him his favorite pastry with a smile, snatching it from your hands while looking away from your face. he really is weak to any sort of open affection. “oh, you’re in luck. this is the last one for now. i’ll text you when we have our next batch ready, so stop by when they’re done!”

although the bi-colored boy swears that he won’t, sakura finds himself at the bakery again with his friends this time. as soon as he receives the text about the new batch, he rushes out of class with everyone following suit. they catch their captain gawking at his phone with flushed cheeks and sweaty hands, glancing at the very person who turned him into this mess just by texting a simple question - enough to destroy his pride all in one go.

“so, when are you gonna ask me out on a date?”

𝄞༉‧₊˚. SUO HAYATO

“jeez, you scared me. when did you get here? you should’ve said so like any normal person would.” it’s ironic for you to say normal, because suo is anything but. so is this town. while pouring a drink for the eyepatch boy, you glance at your window to see gangsters bowing before leaving the premises. it’s obvious that suo is responsible for their behavior, but he just flashes his signature smile as he always does.

“aw, isn’t that nice? they saw the adorable baker with someone already and didn’t want to interrupt.” suo’s mug overflows, and waterfalls spill to the floor. he’s unpredictable, always finding the right time to verbally jab at opponents and friends alike to throw them off balance. whatever’s inside his head is a mystery, as his friends don’t know either. that being said, he saved you, and now you’re hung up on his compliment toward you.

“i taught them a lesson like a good teacher should.” suo sounds satisfied with the refreshing taste of his drink, but the underlying darkness in his eye is hard to ignore. there’s no point in asking him for a translation as he doesn’t plan on telling the truth anyway. but what he says afterwards is as close as it gets. “it’s not nice when people touch what’s not theirs, don’t you agree?”

the same group of gangsters are annoyingly persistent, loitering at the bakery to score chances with you. their attempts at flirting are horrible. suo wishes they’re like him, who’s beside you with an arm around your waist as a warning. he appears grounded, but judging from the reactions of his patrol partners, this isn’t a joking matter. he’ll make this fight one those guys will forever regret. 

“this cutie here isn’t yours, remember?”

𝄞༉‧₊˚. NIREI AKIHIKO

“thanks, you’re a lifesaver. your timing couldn’t be better.” you’re about to be crushed by a tower of boxes until nirei yells from afar to watch out. he’s confused for some reason, but apparently, someone in his class told him that the bakery was trashed by gangsters. the first years know about his crush on you but he chickens out every time, so lying is the best way to go for the blonde boy to confess.

“i’m really glad that nothing bad happened. turns out you’re just sorting out those boxes for the managers.” the possibility of fighting some scary gangsters makes nirei extremely nervous, but his tenacity matters to you the most. it’s all thanks to him that you’re able to finish errands safe and sound. although he may not stand a chance against sketchy strangers on the streets, regardless if reports are factual like today, he’s ready to give his best, which is admirable. not the strongest, but got the spirit.

“the managers want me to run to the grocery store. do you want to keep me company?” nirei eagerly agrees, too eagerly than he himself realizes, but he’ll get to spend time with you. it becomes a source of motivation, already on it to calculate the safest route based on the rumors gathered from this neighborhood. he gives you a thumbs-up, signaling that it’s all clear and he’s all set. “alright then. lead the way, my trusty bodyguard.”

on a patrol day, nirei’s group happens to pass by the bakery and see you stack boxes outside. while the blonde boy goes to your side to help, suo pulls sakura to a spot where they can spy on the two of you. on your way going back inside for another round of boxes, you trip behind nirei but manage to clutch onto his arm to save yourself. sakura blushes profusely and suo nods in approval. nirei welcomes the idea of you hooking your arm around his while walking around town during your break.

“i’ll be counting on you to protect me from now on!”

𝄞༉‧₊˚. UMEMIYA HAJIME

“are you running errands for kotoha? then i won’t bother you. i can just ask later when you’re done.” knowing umemiya, who bears the greatest responsibility for being a leader of bofurin and protecting the town, he doesn’t consider any detours as inconveniences. because his sister cares about everything inside the bag, especially eggs, whatever happens to it will get him in trouble.

“want me to be your test taster? sure, i don’t mind!” your hands begin to tremble as you bring out a tray of your newest invention. your managers are kind in encouraging you to add anything your heart desires on to the menu. in your old hometown, creative opportunities like this don’t come by often. when they do, you get ridiculed. so naturally, you’re nervous to hear what umemiya thinks. he takes a bite, and you then hear sounds of yummy satisfaction.

“it’s really good! you should make it for the others. i’m sure they’ll like it too.” umemiya splits his pastry in half and gives the unbitten portion to you. a huge believer of food tasting better when eating with friends, he wants you to believe that you’ve made something delicious. he’s right; it even melts perfectly in your mouth. “it’s really good, isn’t it? you can let me know which ingredients you used if you ever run out. i can help with baking if you want.”

your creation quickly becomes a hit but on high demand. blame bofurin for trying to hog the supply at least once a day. however, you manage to sneak one into your pocket and eat it in peace. or so you think, when the white-haired leader steals a piece of the pastry with his teeth, near your lips. while the boys go crazy about what he has done, umemiya laughs, bashful for startling you like that. 

“sorry, i think i like it way too much.” 

𝄞༉‧₊˚. TOGAME JO

“oh, you’re alone? i made extras, but i guess more for you then. go wild.” hearing about the amniosities between bofurin and shishitoren through rumors, you’re confused as to why umemiya requests anpan for the guys wearing golden jerseys with embroidered lion logos. that’s how you met togame, along with his energetic friend tomiyama. he devours the anpan like a vacuum, so good thing the extras aren’t for naught.

“do you like festivals? there’s gonna be one soon. wanna come?” there’s much to explore around makochi and any places beyond town, so might as well accept the offer. you have a lot to learn while living here, such as opening a ramune which you still can’t do. lucky for you, togame is here to take care of that. if it weren’t for him and everyone in this town, you don’t think you’ll be able to survive this peaceful life subjected to gang violence on a daily basis this far.

“thanks for the anpan, my little bread roll. see you then.” his farewell is so close to your ear that you had to do a double take. that nickname too, because you flinch when he refers to you as such. you’ve been caught up by his boldness that your managers start freaking out upon their arrival, thinking you might be sick and wanting you to have a check up. togame will be the death of you.

at the venue, you bump into tomiyama and the others from shishitoren. tomiyama stares at you and togame and is about to blurt out something, until togame distracts him by saying he should challenge the others on various tossing games. whatever it may be, it’s the least of your worries. what you’re focusing on is togame holding your hand, and he seems to enjoy it. not that you mind. it’s warm, and he’s happy that you like it.

“can we hold hands like this when we go out again?”

[purefandomonium]

Part 7: New Moves

This is the part that random snippet I posted came from. It's one of my favorite parts tbh. I just really enjoyed writing it.

The days that went by were pleasant. They talked, Leann played the game the way it was intended, and he learned more and more about what life was like outside of that damn cartridge. It was wonderful, having someone to talk to who not only listened, but also gave opinions of their own. Unlike the empty mannequins that surrounded him, Leann never repeated the same lines like a broken record. She never seemed to run out of things to say. Although he still felt like a puppet, he could rest a little easier knowing he seemed to be in good hands. In fact, he could almost say it was nice being like this. He couldn’t remember a time when he hadn’t been corrupted by players glitching the game for fun all that clearly, but he knew things used to be like that once.

The longer he was able to think like this, the less foggy his mind seemed to be. It was refreshing.

“So,” Leann started, the sounds of Family Feud playing in the background, “all this lady has to do is answer these questions and get enough points for the next person to have a chance. But she’s really freaking stupid and I don’t know why they chose her.”

RED: Well give her a chance.

“When asked to name a food that happened to be yellow, she said orange…”

RED: …It’s called optimism, ok?

Leann laughed but quieted herself as soon as the timer started going. She hadn’t heard the first question but knew that twelve o’clock was probably an awful answer.

“Did you— Can you believe this!” She wanted to reach into the screen and smack the woman. “Do you have any idea how many braincells you have to lack to be this stupid?”

Leann couldn’t hear it, but Red was laughing.

“I don’t even— She’s only gonna get, like, sixty points max.”

RED: I’ll say fifty.

It was Leann’s turn to laugh. Sure enough, the final score was under a hundred points. She’d managed eighty-three—somehow—but that left quite a bit of legwork for her sister. At least she seemed smarter.

“So close,” came Leann when the episode ended.

RED: A for effort.

Neither of them spoke for a few moments, until, “Would you do a game show if you could?”

Red thought about it.

RED: It would certainly be… interesting. But probably not.

“Yeah?”

RED: I just can’t see the appeal.

“It’s my understanding you can’t see much of anything,” she joked. She hoped he didn’t take it poorly.

He… No. He couldn’t see. Not out anyway. But something felt wrong about that statement. He couldn’t figure it out. Was it because it made it sound like he couldn’t see at all? He could see the empty white void he resided in when Leann wasn’t playing the game just fine. He could see it just as well as the game itself when it was being played. No, that wasn’t why it felt off to him. So why then?

“Hey… I was only joking,” she said to the static screen. Red tended to leave the game in a sort of pause state when she wasn’t interacting with it, something he only started doing recently.

RED: Hm? Oh, I know.

RED: It’s just…

He was silent for a long while.

RED: Nevermind.

Leann had no answer to that. It sounded final and she decided not to pry. Instead, she observed the sprites on the screen. Whenever Red “paused” the game, the background remained wherever she had left off and everything just sort of froze in place. A childish thought crossed her mind. “Do you ever get tired standing there like that?”

RED: What do you mean?

“Just standing frozen like that when I’m not playing. Don’t you get sick of doing that?” The more she spoke, the more ridiculous she realized the question was. Red wasn’t a physical person so why on earth would he get “tired” from standing in a digital landscape? Then again, he was sentient, so maybe it wasn’t such a far stretch after all.

RED: That doesn’t bother me any. That’s not even me.

“It’s… not?”

RED: Not exactly.

“I’m not sure I follow.” Was it just an avatar then? Just a body for the player to abuse while the real Red resided deep in the code? Every time she thought about this she gave herself a headache trying to figure it all out.

RED: It’s me, but it’s not ME.

No response.

RED: So the you that physically exists is you, but humans have souls right? Your body isn’t your soul. Souls don’t exist in the physical sense.

RED: That sprite you see is my “body,” but my “soul” is deeper in the game.

“I thought you… I thought you weren’t, you know, alive?” Her head was spinning.

RED: I’m not alive in that sense of the word. That’s why I used quotations.

RED: It’s just… I’m not…

She watched him struggle for words.

RED: Maybe I should just show you.

The screen went black then, and she felt a jolt of panic shoot through her as she checked the charger she’d made. It was still plugged in, the wall portion seemed fine…

She needn’t have worried as the screen lit back up again, a bright, unnatural white it shouldn’t have been capable of producing. She had to squint just to look at it. It almost seemed to spill out of the edges, more a physical substance than something artificial. She watched as colorful pixels—more than the GameBoy should’ve been able to handle—swarmed about the blank space as they arranged themselves into a defined shape.

The form of a black-haired kid in a red and white hat with bright red eyes stared back.

Perhaps kid was the wrong word. Physically, she knew the image before her was supposed to be roughly ten- to eleven-years-old. That’s how it always seemed to be in these games, she’d noticed. Let the child be the hero rather than the adults because it would net more sales among the youth that way. But Red—the real Red— didn’t look like some rambunctious brat with a lot of ambition. He looked tired, worn out, and he held an air of melancholy that looked nothing like the superstar poster boy he was meant to be for the series.

Understandable, given his situation. His appearance matched his experience of being trapped forever in a game he couldn’t stop from happening, being tormented for well over twenty years by players looking to break the game further than it already was.

He looked like a child subjected to unspeakable torture that was forced to grow up.

RED: This is me. This is the real RED.

“…I always thought the game itself was your body,” she mumbled numbly, still in shock at this sudden display of ability.

Red shook his head, the movement fluid despite the limited capabilities of the GameBoy. Despite the fact he didn’t have a voice, his lips still mouthed the words that appeared on screen.

RED: The cartridge was never my body. It’s just my prison.

“…I’m sorry, Red. I wish I knew how to get you out of there.”

He shrugged. Tilting his head:

RED: You seem to think that would make a difference. Why?

Why? He wouldn’t be so miserable for one thing! “Red, you do realize this proves you’re alive right? Maybe not in the same way as me. You don’t have a living, breathing body, but you have a soul! Or something like it. Besides, isn’t being free what you wanted?” She watched him cast his gaze downwards, head tilting to follow. His hat left an impossible shadow over his eyes so that all she could see was his frown.

RED: I’m not really sure what I want anymore.

RED: At first, I wanted revenge.

RED: Revenge on every single player who’d wronged me. Who warped the game into this unrecognizable mess.

His form flickered, shifting into something dark for a single instant.

RED: I wanted payback on the ones who created me, who created that impostor and left me ABANDONED when I was no longer GOOD ENOUGH.

RED: I WANTED TO KILL THEM ALL.

His face twisted then, teeth bared in a wild snarl. His shoulders raised and the collar of his jacket went nearly all the way up to his hat. Though she couldn’t see them, she knew his hands were tightly clenched. He radiated anger like this, but it soon dissipated. She felt a strong sense of relief when his face went back to normal and realized how quickly her heart was beating.

RED: …But then I realized it wouldn’t make a difference.

RED: I’d still be forgotten and replaced, the only people who would’ve remembered me would be dead…

RED: …It wouldn’t erase the torture I’d experienced.

RED: Getting out would be nice, but where would I even go? What would I do? I don’t even exist in the real world.

RED: As far as anyone’s concerned, I’m just a character in a video game.

Leann was at a loss for words. Was there even an acceptable response to this?

Red didn’t seem to care. He lifted his head and locked eyes with her, somehow knowing how to find them, and gave a small smile.

RED: You’re the only person who’s ever treated me like I matter, so if it’s alright with you…

RED: …I’d like to stick with you a little longer. Maybe I’ll figure things out then.

She simply stared back, blood red eyes boring into her even though that was impossible. What was she supposed to say here? Her heart was still calming down from his prior display of rage.

“Sure, but… You never answered my question,” she said weakly. He tilted his head in response. “If the player sprite is your body… bodies still get tired though…”

They both stared at each other before Leann lost it and just laughed at the absurdity of the situation. It started out as controlled chuckles before spiraling into a fit. The feeling of fear had passed and she knew she wasn’t gonna give up on Red. Despite what most would see as threatening, she knew he wasn’t malicious. He was just a scared, lonely child trapped in a world he didn’t ask to be a part of and trying to figure things out. They had that in common.

When she calmed down enough to look at Red’s visage again, she saw he, too, was laughing.

Side note: the yellow food=orange thing is a real instance a friend of mine had. She just blurted it out for no reason and yes I still give her shit for it 😂

Part 6: here

Part 8: here

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter one: "Yes, I'm a genius"

Word count: 10,5 K

Warnings: Cursing, but it's mostly a fluffy nerdy start to our story.  Mentions of the L.D.S.K episode (Season 1, E06) and A real Rain (Season 1, E17).

Summary: Spencer meets the BAU new member, a young S.S.A. who happens to be just as nerdy as he is. (Y/N) is excited to join her dream job finally, but she is decided to create an imaginary barrier between her personal life and her job 'cos she doesn't want to make the same mistakes her father had done.

A/N: It's happening!!! I'm so excited!! I'm sorry it's gonna be long, so I hope you enjoy the ride 💕. Let me know what you think!  

Series Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen | 

     ┅┅┅┅┅┅┅༻❁༺┅┅┅┅┅┅┅

Spencer's point of view

I remember everything that happened the day (Y/N) first arrived at the BAU. It was Monday, November 7th, 2005. Morgan had teased me for a whole week already, as soon as Hotch told us a new member of the team had been selected.

I first saw her when she had her last interview with Aaron and Gideon. My eyes were glued to her from the moment she stepped into the bullpen, and of course, Derek saw me.

- "What caught your eye, kid?"- he asked, walking to my desk. He sat on it and cut me one of his smirks, telling me he knew something was going on. I cleared my throat, trying to turn to my pile of paperwork, going through the papers, and narrowing my eyes, pretending to read.

- "What?"- I know I couldn't fool him, but at least I tried.

- "Do you know her?"

- "Who?"- Morgan looked at me in silence. He knew I knew what he was talking about- "The... no, Hotch is talking with someone..."

I was completely flustered.

- "That I can see, do you know her?"

- "No..."- I whispered and looked over again, this time staring at the scene inside the office, trying to figure out what they were talking about.

I could see (Y/N) smiling at Hotch, and he... smiled back, which still surprises me. Our Unit Chief never smiles in the office, and somehow, (Y/N) always manages to make him grin and express tenderness. I guess that's one of the things about her I love, the way she always manages- somehow, I still don't know how- to make everybody around her happy. Especially me. I had never been as happy as I've been since I met her.

- "Hey, Hotch!"- Morgan waited until she was into the elevator to call Aaron and start asking questions- Who is she?

- "That's Supervisory Special Agent (Y/F/N) (Y/S/N) (Y/L/N), and she is going to be part of the team, starting next week."

My heart stopped. (Y/N) was gonna work with me. I was never going to have another intelligible thought or idea if she was going to be around. Of that, I was sure.

Derek turned to me with a grimace of taunt as I tried my best to look away and hide my red blushed cheeks. Damn it. I hate it when he makes me feel like a kid. He did that then, and he still manages to do it now, even when I'm already thirty years old.

- "Did you hear that, pretty boy?"- I was so glad it was just him and Hotch. I didn't want anyone else to listen to that conversation- "You are going to get many chances to talk with that pretty girl."

- "We are going to have to go through the fraternization policy then."- Hotch joked. Yes, he joked and smiled as he walked away.

I could barely talk or even look at her during her whole first day. I was so embarrassed that week 'cos I had just failed my firearm qualification, and I knew everybody was judging me. At least that's how I felt. It didn't work that Morgan welcomed me that morning with a freaking whistle. I felt like the mockery of a Supervisory Special Agent of the FBI, and of all days, (Y/N) had to arrive that morning.

We had a long briefing that day, JJ catching (Y/N) up with a few cases we were reviewing, and Hotch gave her the proper induction to the team. Penelope loved her. It was friendship at first sight.

- "I'm so happy you are here to stay! There aren't enough girls here at the BAU!"- she nearly squeaked as soon as we left the meeting room- "I want to know everything about you! We are going to be best friends. I can feel it!"- (Y/N) smiled at Garcia and nodded.

- "If you are a cat lover and a sucker for nerdy things, then I guess we are already family."

Her answer made Penelope shriek in excitement as I walked back to my desk quickly. I knew Derek wasn't going to waste the chance to embarrass me in front of her, and I needed to avoid it no matter what.

- "Considering it's your first day, and so far we haven't got a case, I say we should all have lunch together. There's a small place nearby"- Morgan smiled sweetly at (Y/N), and she nodded.

- "I'd love to."

- "Spencer here was just telling me how he wanted to know how you got to the BAU so young; he is excited not to be the team's baby anymore"- I turned to Morgan slowly. I swear he could feel the daggers from my eyes.

- "How old are you?"- she asked, and her smile left me speechless. I tried to answer, but I couldn't make any sound but an awkward stutter.

- "He's twenty-four"- Elle had to answer for me, 'cos I had literally lost all my verbal abilities- "His birthday was a few weeks ago."

- "Congratulations! I'm twenty-four too! I'm so happy I'm not the youngest! My brother teased me about it for the last couple of days and got me all freaked out."

She looked so happy to be there. When you spend day after day surrounded by the worst of humankind, you seem to enjoy and appreciate the little gentle things in life. Her excitement was one of those. It was refreshing.

- "That's..."- it was so hard to pronounce any word at that moment. I was flustered and mortified 'cos I was making a fool out of myself.

- "That's great."

That was all I managed to say. Then, I looked down at the papers on my desk, doing my best to avoid any conversation. JJ and Elle talked to her for a few more minutes before returning to their duties, and Derek tapped my back as he walked to his desk.

- "Way to go, Romeo."

- "Shut up."

We never made it for lunch that day, 'cos we were called for a case in Illinois, and I was embarrassed in front of (Y/N) for the very first time. The first of many.

.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I could never forget the day I met Spencer. We were just kids. We were both twenty-four, and that was the first thing that caught everybody's attention on my first day at the BAU. We were the youngest, though he was a genius. I was an average kid who graduated high school at sixteen, got good grades at college, and got into the academy at twenty. Somehow I managed to kick ass until I got the position of my dreams in the Behavioral Analysis Unit. I felt too young and inexperienced to be there, but seeing Reid's face made me feel a little better.

Hotch introduced me to everybody: Morgan, JJ, Elle, Penelope, Gideon -the legend- and Doctor Spencer Reid. He didn't shake my hand, explaining he has a "germs thing." I waved and said I understood him because I've always had a "hug thing," so we are both on the same page.

- "I don't like people touching me if we are not close friends or family."- I explained, and he smiled right away. That smile. It lit up my days for years to come.

- "Me neither, so don't worry, I'm not gonna try to touch you"- I bit my lips as I nodded, and his cheeks turned blood red with embarrassment immediately

- "Sorry, I mean, I'm not going to do anything that might bother you, like hugging you or..."

- "Don't worry, Dr. Reid, I understood what you were trying to say"- he kept nodding and excusing himself, and I tried not to laugh. He seemed to be so nervous it was endearing.

- "You... you can call me Spencer, or Reid"- he added- "You don't need to call me doctor."

- "You can call me (Y/N)"- and he nodded again, looking like a ten years old kid.

I remember clearly that second, right away, I thought he could be my new best friend. There was something about him that made me want to get closer to him.

- "Great! Now we've got two weird kids."- Morgan quickly said, chuckling, and I frowned at his words. I wanted to give him the snarkiest answer, but I remembered it was my first day, and I was still trying to give a good impression to my new coworkers, so I just stared.

- "You know, treating them like kids won't make you look wiser."- Elle whispered, though I heard her perfectly, as Hotch called to the briefing room.

- "I'm just joking with them! Don't you get a joke?"

I thought it was rude to joke around with someone you had just met, but soon after that, I realized Derek Morgan meant no harm. He was like that. And soon, he became the older brother I never thought I was going to need at work. After all, it was my first official job, and it was a very stressful one.

.

My first case was nerve-wracking. Gideon snapped in front of me, and I felt I wasn't helping at all catching the sniper. We are not supposed to use that word, but fuck it. Besides, Spencer and Hotch were kept hostage by the unsub. And Aaron had to beat the shit out of Reid to save all the hostages. Reid was so embarrassed, and I was so scared.

Scared of looking weak in front of my team. Afraid of not deserve being at the BAU.

I remember Elle brought me a coffee on the jet on our way back and said the words that resonated in my head when she left.

- "No one expects you to be perfect at what you do. We just need someone who gives the best every day."

I looked into her eyes and nodded. That was one of the few intimate conversations we had. Elle wasn't the one to open her heart and share her feelings. But she was always someone who could tell you the truth and support you when you needed it.

.

- "Hey! Reid!"- I waved at him from my car as I stopped next to him outside the BAU. It was already two in the morning, and he was outside the main building waiting for a cab.

- "Hey (Y/N)."- he whispered as I rolled up the window and looked at him.

- "Do you need a ride?"

- "No... no, thank you"- he hesitated and waved- "I already called a cab."

- "Are you sure? it's gonna start raining any minute now."

And just as I predicted, a few seconds later, Spencer's glasses were covered with tiny drops of water. He smiled and took a step closer to the car, opened the door, and got in.

- "Th... thank you"- he whispered as I smiled

- "It's ok, I couldn't let you there, on your own, waiting for a cab, not after coming back from a case."

- "I'm ok..."- maybe he thought I was implying the beating he got from Aaron earlier that day, so I did my best to tell him otherwise.

- "I bet you are, but it's fucking freezing, and we are all tired. There's no way you are waiting for a cab if I can drive you over... what about your car, by the way?"

- "I'm not a fan of driving; I take the subway to work every day."

- "Really? Why not?"- I was surprised by his answer, but I was way more surprised we were talking, finally.

- "I don't know, I don't feel comfortable driving... the guys say I'm weird."

I turned to him, raising an eyebrow. He looked so nervous it made me feel bad. Maybe I had done something that had bothered him and never noticed it.

- "That's not weird"- my voice was soft, trying to calm him down. Spencer looked like a scared kitten sitting on my car's passenger seat.

- "If you don't like driving, that's ok... I don't like talking on the phone with people. It makes me anxious for no reason."- I confessed, keeping my eyes on the road. But I know he turned to me and nodded.

- "That's completely normal. It's called "telephone phobia" or "phone phobia," which refers to the irrational fear or discomfort with speaking over the phone. Psychologists believe that this condition is related to social anxiety, which causes a person to avoid situations where they will need to act. Making a call is essentially a performance, and some people dread making a mistake, freezing up, being ridiculed, or not being able to perform in front of an audience."

- "Really?"- he just nodded and kept his eyes on the road- "I didn't know it had a name! My insurance should cover it."

And he finally laughed, which made me feel he was maybe a little more relaxed around me.

- "This is me."- he announced, and I parked outside his building. It was a nice place, and conveniently, it was very close to my house.

- "Great! I live just a few blocks away. I can give you a ride to work whenever you want"- I might have sounded a little more excited than I should have, but I wanted to be friends with him. He was the closest in age with me at work, and he looked so shy and friendly. He was a magnet. Spencer Reid was calling for my friendship. I could feel it.

- "Th.. thanks"- he stuttered and nodded as he opened the door and step out of the car- "Thank you, again."

- "You are very welcome!"- I answered with a big smile. He stared at me for another second and waved before turning around, basically running into the building.

I wish I could go back in time to those days. Everything was more uncomplicated, we were getting to know each other, and everything was brand new: Reid's rambling, my bad jokes. I miss that. I miss us.

It wasn't easy to get close to Spencer. It wasn't easy to get close to the team, probably 'cos I was overthinking every single thing I did. In my first couple of weeks, I was as friendly as I have ever been and made my best to be the (Y/N) I had to be as an FBI Agent. I was making a tremendous effort to fit it. I was nervous and walking on eggshells the whole time. Every time Hotch talked to me, I was sure he would tell me I was fired. When Gideon looked at me, I was sure he thought I was the dumbest agent he had ever met. And every time I spoke at the morning briefings, I just could feel Spencer thinking I was stupid.

.

- "(Y/N)! (Y/N)! I was looking for you!"- Penelope ran into me outside the lady's room and jumped on my face, making me scream- "Sorry!"

- "It's ok, you just almost killed me of a heart attack, but that's ok... I'll survive."- I joked as I kept feeling my heart jumping in my chest.

- "Sorry, I'm just excited 'cos everybody is in for a little gathering tonight at my house. I need to give you a proper welcome! You've already been here for nearly a month, and we still don't get to know much of you."

Hanging out with my coworkers outside the office was strange. Not that I didn't want to get to meet them, it's just that... they were FBI agents. Sure, so was I, but it was my first official Supervisory Special Agent job, and I was only twenty-four. There were so many of my teenage days I still wasn't ready to let go. And so much of it, I didn't want them to know.

- "Sure!"- I replied and smiled at her face lighting up. You could tell Penelope was excited to host a party at her house.

- "Great! Tonight! my place! I'll text you the address! you have to be there!"

- "I will, I swear!"

Spencer's point of view

Oh, man! The first time I actually talked to (Y/N) was on a get-together Penelope organized at her apartment a few weeks after (Y/N) joined the team. Garcia made an effort to make her feel welcome, she even invited Elle, and we all knew those two weren't incredibly close.

Derek drove Elle and me to Penelope's, and I was mortified every minute I spent in that car. He wouldn't stop teasing me, and Elle asked over and over if I had a crush on (Y/N).

- "No! I don't have a crush on her! can you knock it off?!"- I finally snapped as I got off the car outside Garcia's building.

- "Just because she is my age doesn't mean I have or should have a crush on her! she is our new colleague! so please! Stop!"

I slammed the door and walked inside. Did I make an unnecessary scene? Yes, but I couldn't handle anything better at that moment. They were driving me crazy.

- "Welcome! Welcome!"- Penelope opened the door and invited us in. (Y/N), and JJ were already there, holding a beer and laughing. I stared at the two of them and knew I wasn't going to say a word the whole evening.

Back then, I still had a small crush on JJ. We had a terrible date after Gideon gave me tickets for a football game with her favorite team. That was his way to encourage me to ask her out, which I did... but apparently, I sucked at it, 'cos she never got it was a date and invited Penelope to come along. Worst date of my life. But still, I got flustered around her, and my mind kept coming back to her from time to time.

- "So, pretty girl, why did you want to be part of the FBI?"- Morgan asked her after a while of small talk. She was sitting on Garcia's coach, next to our host and JJ. I turned to look at her from my chair, and I swear I felt Elle's eyes on me for a few seconds.

- "Do you usually call girls names?"- (Y/N) answered the questions with another question and frowned at Morgan. He just wide opened his eyes and smiled, surprised.

- "He calls everybody names."- JJ replied, chuckling

- "Hey! he calls me sweet names! Just me!"- Penelope got all jealous and possessive right away.

- "Did you know according to some studies, the reason people in relationships use pet names for their partners is that they're harking back to their own childhood experience and their first love, which usually relates to their mother"- facts came out of my mouth faster than I noticed. I didn't have a chance to stop myself.

Derek frowned right away and (Y/N) bit her lips, trying not to laugh. Elle lost that fight and let out a burst of loud laughter along with JJ.

- "Are you trying to tell me I've got mommy issues, Reid?"

- "No, no, of course not!"- my voice was agitated as I shook my head and hands frenetically. If there's one thing I never want to do is get Morgan mad. He is scary when he is crossed, and back then, we weren't as close as we are now. Let's say I was a little afraid I might say the wrong thing. I always said the wrong thing... I don't know when to stop.

- "I call people pet-names too, once I get to know them, so don't worry"- (Y/N) smiled at turned to Derek with a smile- "And to answer your question, why did I join the FBI? I guess I tried to follow dad's steps. He is chief of police here at Quantico... and my older brother is a detective at NYPD, so... I guess I never really thought about it. I knew where I wanted to be."

- "I bet they are proud"- JJ smiled at her, and I held my breath for a second. I don't know why I did it; I just remember feeling overwhelmed all of a sudden. Not because of JJ, but because I wanted to learn more about (Y/N). I wanted to know everything, but I had no idea how to ask her anything.

- "Well, my brother is very jealous since I joined the BAU"- she chuckled with a playful smile- "Now I'm dad's favorite."

She told us about her academy experience, and we all told her a little bit about ourselves. Morgan was nice enough to tell her everything about my degrees and IQ because, well, my IQ dropped to twenty when it was my turn to talk to her.

I found out she has a MA in Linguistics and was considering doing the DA, which she did. That's when I managed to speak, and we talked about our college experiences for a while.

- "Oh, no! I wasn't popular at all. When your dad is a cop, kids usually don't wanna talk to you or invite you to parties."- she explained as we stood at one side of the room. Talking to her on our own was a little bit easier than doing it with everybody else watching. I don't know why. So I took my opportunity when Derek was out getting more beer with Elle, and JJ and Garcia were in the kitchen.

- "Being fourteen and riding my bike to college didn't make me very popular either."- I confessed, and she chuckled

- "Sorry."

- "Don't be"- I smiled and looked down at my shoes- "I guess at a certain point in our lives, we have to start laughing about some of the bad things that happened to us"- her cellphone rang that second, and she looked at the screen with a small smile.

- "Sorry, I have to answer this, it's my boyfriend."

Boyfriend. I should have seen it coming.

I walked to the kitchen, defeated, and sighed. I left my empty can of Coke and looked at my friends.

- "I think I'm gonna go home."

- "What? No! It's too early, Spence!!"- JJ argued right away- "You never want to hang out with us outside work!"

- "Yeah!! Don't you want to have fun with us?"- Garcia begged and pouted. I wasn't sure I wanted to be there. I was very uncomfortable 'cos social gatherings weren't my thing (they are still not my thing anyway) until I heard her voice.

- "So, what are you guys doing?"- (Y/N) walked over and stood next to me

- "Who were you talking to?"- Penelope asked right away with a wink.

- "My boyfriend"- she was joyful, I could feel the happiness in her voice- "He just wanted to know if I was ok."

- "Boyfriend?"- JJ smiled, and I could feel her eyes glance over me.

- "I need to know everything!"- and Penelope hyperventilated right away- "How long have you been dating? Are you getting married soon? Is he the love of your life?"

- "Who's getting married?"- Morgan walked in and wide opened his eyes as he questioned the room.

- "(Y/N) is getting married!!"- Penelope nearly shrieked as (Y/N) shook her head laughing.

- "I'm not getting married! Paul and I started dating just a month ago; it's nothing serious."

I took a sip of the beer Elle gave me and sighed, staring at the bottle. I made my best not to look at Derek for the rest of the night. I didn't want him to give me any sorry glance or anything that might make anyone believe something that wasn't real.

It was a fun night, after all. After my beer, we talked; I felt a little looser and managed to ask (Y/N) about herself and told her I had overheard her telling Garcia she was a sucker for all nerd things.

- "Yeah, I'm a huge nerd"- her cheeks blushed with her confession.

- "I bet you can't beat baby genius here"- Morgan chuckled and tapped in my back, making everybody laugh... at me.

- "I've got the feeling I can top him... you have no idea the kind of geek I am"- she looked straight at me- "How many Star Wars conventions have you been to this year?"

- "Just one, you?"- I raised an eyebrow and watched her chuckle.

- "Five... last two I was in make-up and custom"- I wide opened my eyes as she bit her lips nervously.

- "And Doctor Who conventions?"- I asked her, way more intrigued than I had been about her before.

- "Only two this year, the academy and school got in the way of most of my fun..."

- "Do you have a favorite doctor?"- I had to ask

- "From the new series, ten, the classic Doctor who I have to say four."

- "Tom Baker is by far my favorite doctor of the whole series."

- "But you can't overlook the fantastic job David Tennant has done! He is the one who managed to charm a whole new generation with the show!"

- "Yeah, he is excellent! but he ain't no Baker"- I loved that conversation

- "Baker's popularity is 80% because he had Sara Jane, who is by far one of the best companions the doctor has ever had. She made him human and relatable"- she had a point, but I needed to argue with her. I opened my mouth to answer, but I couldn't because Morgan's voice was louder than my thoughts.

- "Ok, geeks, you can ramble about your tv shows and nerd things some other time, now let's make a toast. To our newest member, we hope you feel welcome working with us, 'cos you are gonna see us way more than you see your boyfriend"- she chuckled at those words and nodded.

- "Thank you, guys. You have been so nice to me these couple of weeks. I've got the feeling we are gonna get along."

.

- "Do you need a ride?"- (Y/N) turned to me as I grabbed my satchel, and she put on her coat.

- "Thanks, but Morgan is gonna take me home."- I whispered, scared to be alone with her again.

- "Actually, kid, I was planning to hit the club right now, it's still early, and we don't get many free nights, so..."- he looked at us and shrugged.

- "You don't mind?"- I asked her, and she gave me the warmest smile.

- "I just offered to do it, of course, I don't mind at all."

- "Thank you."

I didn't know if I wanted to kill Morgan or thank him. Either way, (Y/N) waved goodbye to everybody and walked out of Garcia's with me, after thanking everybody for the hundredth time for everything.

- "Are you tired?"- she asked me as we both sat in her car. She started it, and the music that came from the radio was so loud, I nearly covered my ears- "Sorry! Sorry! I was rocking my favorite album on my way over."

She quickly turned off the radio and gave me a guilty smile

- "It happens when you drive alone a lot."

- "Did you know listening to loud music helps you liberate stress?"- I started rambling- "There is a direct connection between your inner ear and the pleasure centers in the brain. Shortly explained, when you listen to loud music, endorphins are released, that act on the opiate receptors in our brains, they reduce pain and boost pleasure, resulting in a feeling of well-being."

If I was going to work with her, I had to find a way to talk to her. Even if that way was to ramble facts over and over again. Anything was better than silences, I guess.

- "Yeah! and it also works like a stimulant, which I needed after the week we just had..."- I chuckled, and she looked at me for a second- "By the way, I noticed you have a problem with coffee and sugar"

- "I don't have a problem with coffee!"- I felt nearly judged by her statement.

- "And sugar!"- she added and snickered

- "You know you shouldn't profile other profilers"- I made my best to make a joke, and I guess I nailed it, 'cos she chuckled.

- "That's hardly profiling, Reid! that's just watching you prepare your coffee every morning"

- "Have you been spying on me?"- I could help but to chuckle at that conversation. I was having fun.

- "No way on earth! I just happen to like to drink coffee too, which leads us to the question I wanted to ask, it's still early; Morgan was right, do you want to have a coffee or something... I'm in the mood for something sweet."

- "And you were judging me for my coffee with extra sugar!"

- "I'm not judging you! I'm just pointing out that I noticed what you are doing and wondering how many cavities you already have."

I laughed. An honest, real, pure laughter. She has always made me laugh as I've never had. Like there are no problems, no worries, no traumas. Nothing bad.

- "I have no cavities, thank you very much!"

- "Fine! and are you in the mood for a late coffee and cupcake with me?"- I stayed quiet and looked at her- Don't feel pushed to do it just because I'm giving you a drive

- "No, no, it's not that. I just don't wanna bother you"

- "If I am inviting you, Reid, it's because I want to do it, not because I'm feeling forced to do it"- she kept her eyes on the road, but her voice was so reassuring I couldn't doubt a word.

- "Wouldn't your boyfriend get mad or something?"- I whispered the question 'cos I was scared of the answer.

- "Why should he?"- she looked shocked by the questions- "If he gets jealous, then he is not the guy for me."

I cut her a short smile and nodded. Her personality was so different from mine. It was exciting to have her around.

- "I could eat a donut"- and she clapped at my answer, thrilled with the plan.

- "That's the spirit! I know just the place!"

We talked until four in the morning that night. I don't know how I managed to do it, not because I was tired, but because I was very nervous. Well, I was at the beginning, but talking with (Y/N) has always come easy to me, somehow. To the guy who was never able to speak in public or with any girl, spending three hours in a cafeteria talking, eating donuts, and drinking coffee in the middle of the night was the most significant achievement.

.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "How do you know a place open at this hour?"- Spencer asked me the very first time we were out together for coffee. It was already close to four in the morning, and I had started yawning, 'cos even with all the sugar and caffeine I had consumed that night, I was weary.

- "Sorry to break the news, doctor, but are not the only one with a sugar problem"- I licked a little frosting from my finger and grinned- "Sometimes after classes, or when I was too stressed studying, I would come here, get a coffee, a cupcake and just... do nothing for a while, just to let my brain rest I guess"

- "That makes total sense. The brain needs free time to process new information and turn it into something more permanent. Though the amount of time a mind needs to construct a durable memory probably varies from one person to the next, it also depends on the complexity of what that person is trying to learn"

- "Well, believe me, it felt like I needed two weeks to process all the information, but I only had half an hour if I was lucky"

- "Then you are already trained for this work. We don't have much time to do anything when we are on a case"

- "That's what I've seen so far... but at least you all get along. It would suck to be stuck in a team that fight egos and divisions."

- "Yeah, you are right, we are lucky to have very nice people working with us... everybody brings something different to the team"- I nodded at his words and looked down at my fingers as I tried to wipe the leftover sticky glazed with a napkin.

I had been working there for four weeks already, and I still felt like I didn't belong. Honestly, it was such hard work being there, not because they weren't a great team, but because it was more challenging than I ever imagined. Profiling and traveling all over the nation catching serial killers was... stressing, to say the least.

- "You bring a completely different point of view in every case"- he continued speaking and looked down at his cup- "And your knowledge in Linguistics adds more information to the profiles, which helps working faster and better."

I held my breath at his words. I knew he was just polite, just trying to make me feel better about my job performance these weeks.

- "I can assure you, you have been an incredible addition to the team"- he stayed quiet for a second, still just staring at his cup.

- "Thank you."

- "It's true; I'm not telling you this 'cos I think you need to hear it. I wanted you to know 'cos that's how we all feel."

I know I was blushing. I don't know how to take a compliment. Not that I get many, but it's always weird to hear someone telling you so nice things about your work.

- "Thank you, Spencer"- he finally looked at me and nodded. We stayed in silence for a few minutes. I didn't know what else to say, and he seemed to be embarrassed.

- "Thank you, actually"- he finally whispered.

- "Why? I didn't do anything"- I was confused, but he was earnest about his words.

- "Thank you, 'cos you have been very nice to me, even though I am a barely tolerable person."

- "What? Barely tolerable? What the hell are you saying?"

- "I mean, I know I drive people crazy 'cos I am always rambling and giving unnecessary facts all the time"- I narrowed my eyebrows, not getting why he was saying those things.

- "You do not do that."

- "Maybe you haven't been here long enough to realize I am always giving facts, and..."- he was honest. He actually believed people were annoyed by him. It hurt me to know that's what he thought of himself.

- "I realized that within the first three hours into the job, but I think that's amazing."

- "People would always say it's annoying."

- "Why would they say that?"

- "Because... I know they do."

- "Well, whoever says or thinks that are assholes, I like your rambling."

Reid snorted, and I hit his arm with my knuckles softly. I really felt bad he was so insecure, and most of all, he thought everybody hated him.

- "I mean it, Spencer, I wish I knew half the things you know, and if being with you means having to listen to your rambling, I think it's incredible, 'cos it gives me the chance to soak some of that knowledge."

The way he smiled, it was like his whole face lit up. He blushed, obviously embarrassed, and it also blushed me, 'cos he was gorgeous when he smiled.

- "So please, don't stop the facts, not with me"- he nodded and sipped what was left of his coffee.

After another few minutes, we left, and I drove him home. We were in a small sugar rush; we were too tired to have a full effect. I knew all I wanted was my bed and sleep the whole weekend.

- "I had a great time tonight"- I parked my car outside his building and smiled- "At Penelope's and with you"

I was so excited we had finally talked and gotten closer. I wanted to be friends with him so badly. Why? I don't know. I just knew I needed him in my life, from that minute on.

- "I had a great time too"- he smiled and held his satchel- "See you Monday"

- "Yeah! See ya!"

- "Drive safe!"

- "I will!"

I got home that night and laid on my bed, fully dressed. I barely took off my shoes and fell asleep right away. I was too tired to think, too tired even to put on my pajamas. But I wasn't too tired to remember Spencer's smile while he ate donuts. His dorky glasses, the way he gesticulated everything he said when he was excited about a subject. I was glad I had finally gotten to talk to him for once. And I couldn't wait to do it again.

Back then, Paul and I had just started dating. I wasn't in love with him, but he was a nice, funny guy I loved spending time with. I met Paul a couple of months ago at a friend's party. He was fun to be with, and we had a lot of things in common. We were both into music. He had a band, I didn't back then, but eventually got mine over time. He was like me, nothing like my friends at the BAU.

I thought that was cool, 'cos he represented a part of me I didn't want to lose working at the FBI. I was terrified I was going to lose myself in my new job. I saw how it affected dad's and my brother's life, how they were consumed by it in almost every single way. It was why my parents got divorced. It was why my brother couldn't keep a girlfriend for longer than a few months. 'Cos work was first, and their job was everything. The crazy hours, having to answer every call, no matter how busy you were. I thought it was sick how work could be your whole life. I was decided not to let it happen.

Yeah. I had no idea what I was getting into.

Soon after I joined the BAU, the nightmares began. I guess nothing prepares you to see so many people die. And nothing prepares you to kill someone, no matter if that someone is a child abuser.

I took the shoot, didn't even hesitate. It went right between his eyes. It was him or me, I know that. He was going to kill me. But still, it was hard.

Derek turned to me as I stayed still, in shock. It took me a few seconds to even breathe. I had just killed a person. It wasn't just some random thing.

- "(Y/N), are you ok?"- he landed a hand on my shoulder, and I quickly nodded.

- "Yeah, I'm ok... that was fast"- it was all I could say and turned to him. He gave me a short warm smile and wrapped an arm around me. I flinched at his touch right away and held my breath again. I don't know if he felt it, but still, he didn't let me go.

Derek has that thing when he doesn't care if you want it or no; he will give you his love and friendship when he feels you deserve it. I guess I'm lucky to call him my friend. And he really pushed that hug thing I still have.

- "Are you ok?- Spencer's voice was a sweet whisper. He sat carefully next to me in the jet and gave me a warm cup of tea- "I made you the one you like"

Of course, he had noticed my favorite brand, 'cos that's what Spencer does, he takes mental notes of everything and never, ever forgets. I wonder if that's a good thing or not. I guess it depends on what you remember.

- "Yeah, just tired"- working at the BAU, you can hide any kind of feeling behind the "I'm so tired" excuse. Mostly because we are indeed tired the whole time.

- "It was an extreme case"- I sipped my cup of tea and nodded at his words- "Do you..."

- "No, I'm ok, I don't wanna talk about it"- he bit his lips as he smiled. We both stayed quiet for a while. He read (somehow, at a relative normal peace), and I drank my tea. I couldn't concentrate on anything, so I just looked outside and tried not to think about the unsub's face and how he looked when I killed him.

- "How was your first time?"- I finally asked him, and I think my question caught him by surprise, 'cos he nearly jumped on his seat- "Not your first time in the sack, the first time you had to..."

- "No, I got it, I got it"- he was already blushing, it was adorable- "My first time was actually the first time you drove me home"

- "Really?"

- "Yeah"- he made a pause and gathered his thoughts, I guess- "I didn't really go out to the field a lot before 'cos I didn't have my firearm qualification"

And suddenly I remembered how embarrassed he was about it on my first day at the BAU. Derek made sure everybody knew about it 'cos he thought it was hilarious. And I thought he was a jerk for making fun of him.

- "And did it affect you?"- it was a stupid question. I knew Spencer was a sensitive person; of course, killing someone was going to affect him in many ways- "I mean, how did it affect you?"

- "I couldn't feel anything at first"

- "Shock?"- he nodded and sighed- "Gideon said that maybe I didn't know what I felt and that's why I thought I didn't feel a thing, but that wasn't it, it was like I was numbed inside... but then when it hits you"- he murmured- "And you can't stop thinking about it"

- "I think it hit me sooner than I thought"- I closed my eyes and sighed, but even then, I could feel those empty dead eyes staring at me.

- "Wanna know what helped me?"- Spencer's voice was velvety and soothing. It felt relaxing talking to him.

- "What?"- I whispered and turned to look at him

- "Remember two things: you did what you had to do"- I sighed at that with a small smile. It didn't sound like something I could believe at that moment.

- "And the second?"

- "A lot of kids are alive and safe because of you"

Now, that made me feel a lot better. Reid was right. I did what I had to do to help people. That guy wasn't going to stop.

- "Thanks"- I managed to give him a slight smile, and he did the same.

- "I'm here to talk if you want to"

It felt like he was really making an effort to say those words. I didn't know why it was still so hard for him to talk to me. Maybe it was still a sensitive subject for him, so I did what I do best: I joked about it.

- "Thank you... I'll try to avoid the issue as much as I can, but when I collapse under the pressure, I promise I'll come to you"- he chuckled at my answer and nodded right away.

- "Great plan."

And a few days later, I couldn't sleep anymore. I kept waking up to those eyes. I kept feeling guilty for killing a child abuser who was trying to kill me. I relived in my mind that moment over and over again.

- "Babe, come back to bed"- Paul found me sitting by the kitchen island staring at a herbal teacup at two am. It was my third insomnia night.

- "Yeah, I'll be right there"- he turned to walk back to the room but hesitated and looked at me again.

- "Do you want to talk about it?"- I shook my head, still not taking my eyes from the cup. He slowly walked to me and held my hand - "Come on, babe, everything looks worse at two am."

And he was right. Everything seemed to be worse when it came to my mind in the middle of the night. But it didn't get any better during the day either. He cuddled with me in my bed and fell asleep soon after. I just stayed there, feeling his chest moving softly with his soft breathing, thinking I had killed someone, and it wasn't going to be the last time I was going to face something like this.

.

Spencer's point of you

Do you want to know something sad? I was excited we had an unsub in New York 'cos I had never been there. Back then, I didn't know my colleagues were going to tease me about it. I didn't give it too much thought. I honestly wasn't good at leaving my house when we weren't in a case. Most of my traveling had been due to work, and other than La Vegas and Pasadena, I hadn't been to many cities just to sightsee.

Why am I thinking about that right now? 'cos we were in New York the day (Y/N) gave me her first gift.

Everybody had made fun of me during dinner because I didn't know how to eat with chopsticks. JJ tried to teach me, which also caused hours of Morgan's teasing for the rest of the trip. Thankfully, they dropped the jokes when we went back to the police station to take one last look at the profile after we got a call out unsub had killed a cop this time.

But after two hours of thinking, neither of us was honestly able to give any new idea to the case. Hotch insisted we head back to the hotel to have some rest. (Y/N) was one of the last ones to leave, along with Gideon and me.

- "Stop looking at the board"- she said, standing by my side, bag in hand- "Let's go. Your big brain needs to rest."

- "I won't be able to sleep knowing I'm missing something"- I answered, not taking my eyes from the board

- "Come on"- (Y/N) playfully hit my arm- "You need your eight hours of sleep to be a fully functional genius"

- "You should try to get a full night's sleep as well"- I turned to her and watched her eyes widen- "What? Do you think I didn't notice you haven't been sleeping?"

- "No, but I thought you were going to wait until I had a mental breakdown to force me to talk about it; that was the plan, right?"

I tried not to laugh, but it was hard; she is so funny, though I knew that was a sensitive subject, it had been weeks since the incident, and it was clear (Y/N) wasn't processing everything right. If anything, her jokes were a coping mechanism to avoid talking or even thinking about what had happened.

- "We can also talk about it, just... talk"

- "I know what happens with me, Reid"- she whispered and looked around. Gideon was outside, no way near us, but still, she kept her voice low. It made me see she was scared he would hear her, 'cos she didn't want him to think she was weak.

- "I guess I just have to make peace with it. It was gonna happen, and it will happen again, it's my job, it's part of what I do, end of it."

I looked at her and nodded in silence. There was so much I wanted to tell her, but I couldn't shake the thought she was going to laugh at me.

- "Do you want to?"- I made a pause and took a deep breath. Yes, I was very nervous- "Do you want to walk back to the hotel? it's just a few blocks and maybe... fresh air can help you relax?"

I didn't mean to hesitate so much, but it was scary for me to ask her to spend time on our own. I don't know why. It wasn't just with her; it happened with everybody at that point in my life. I was sure no one wanted to spend time with me. Why would they?

- "Can we have a midnight cupcake?"- she asked and smiled. I bit my lips and pretended to give the idea a lot of thinking, though I was craving donuts ever since we didn't have time for dessert at dinner.

- "Just one, and no coffee"

- "What are you? The sleeping police?"- she teased me and led the way. We waved at Gideon and walked outside the police station.

For a rainy night, it was freezing. But I didn't care much. I was too busy looking around, it was technically my first night out in New York, and though I was just leaving work and walking back to the hotel, it was the biggest adventure I have had there so far.

For the first couple of minutes, we walked in silence. (Y/N) looked at her feet, hands stuffed in her pocket as I walked next to her, holding my umbrella for the two of us. I tried to take in everything that was going on around us. It was exciting, being there, alone. I was a twenty-four-year-old Supervisory Special Agent of the FBI, and I was excited to walk with a friend in the New York city streets. No wonder why Morgan called me "kid."

- "Did you know more than 800 languages are spoken in New York City? that makes it the most linguistically diverse city in the world"- I had to start rambling facts after a while because I guess I couldn't help it.

- "Vraiment?"- she answered, and I chuckled. Of course, Master in Linguistics.

- "Oui"- I thought we could have a whole conversation in french; it would have been fun and fascinating, but my French was very rusty, and I didn't know if she was fluent or just learned a few things.

- "When I was a kid, I dreamt about living in New York. I was obsessed with it"- she kept looking down at her feet as she spoke, and I turned to look at her for a second. She looked sad somehow, or that's what I read from her. I've always done my best not to profile profilers. It's harder than you imagine.

- "Why?"- she chuckled at her thoughts and kept her eyes on her shoes.

- "You know how they always make you feel no matter how weird you might be, you are still going to fit in New York?"

- "You are not weird"- I couldn't help but frown and look at her- "You are..."

- "I am weird, we are all weird, that's what makes us great"

I loved that thought. That's why I've never forgotten it. Lie, I can't forget. I remember everything we've said to each other because I want to, not because I have an eidetic memory.

- "But when you are in school, everybody is trying to fit it and be normal, and that wasn't me at all..."

I didn't see that coming, and I have to admit it, I loved it. I often felt I was an outsider at the BAU. Hotch, Gideon, Morgan, Elle, JJ, they all fit in everywhere we'd go. Meanwhile, everybody looked at me, wondering what the hell am I doing there. I could read it on their faces. The fact the team had to introduce me as "Doctor Spencer Reid" is a sign they are making an effort to make me look older and more experienced. Reliable, even.

- "Why would you say you are weird?"- I had to ask- "You look very normal to me, I mean it"- she raised an eyebrow and didn't say a word. She just pulled my jacket and dragged me to a coffee shop.

- "Cupcakes, Reid, you can't expect me to tell you embarrassing facts about my life without a cup of coffee and a mountain of sugar."

JJ always said I ate like a kid, too many pastries and candy, no salad. Meanwhile, (Y/N) kept pushing sugar into my body. I liked that. They were both so different. JJ treated me like I didn't know how to deal with life. (Y/N) treated me like I could help her deal with life. JJ wanted to help me grow up. I could feel (Y/N) wanted to be my friend, and I loved that. I had never felt someone longing for my company. It was always the opposite. I usually felt people were stuck with me.

For months I kept comparing the two of them in my head. JJ had such condescending manners, it sometimes made me think she might actually have feelings for me. Other times, Morgan would call her my mom, which took all the hopes from my mind.

- "What do you do in your free time, Reid?"- (Y/N) sat in front of me in a booth. Right in between us, a table with two coffees, a red velvet cupcake, and a chocolate frosted donut with sprinkles.

- "I read, study..."- I didn't give much thought to my answers- "I also write a letter to my mom every day"

- "That's so cute"- I felt how my cheeks turned blood red, and she smiled at me sweetly.

- "Thanks..."- I sipped my hot cappuccino and winced as the coffee burned my tongue, and she chuckled.

- "Slowly, doc, or are you in a hurry?"

- "Definitely not, I have no other plan, I mean, I could sleep, but I know I won't, and, and I know you won't sleep either, so"- the words left my mouth at such a fast pace, not even I got them all. (Y/N) nodded and started taking apart her cupcake, little by little.

- "That's awesome, 'cos I like hanging out with you, and I don't feel like hanging out with Elle tonight. We are sharing rooms."

- "You don't like her?"- now that was breaking news- "I thought you two got along"

- "Don't get me wrong, I like her. I just don't feel like being the version of myself I am when I'm with her"

I looked at her, not sure of where she was going. She took a piece of cake and ate it slowly.

- "You lost me"- (Y/N) sighed and ran a finger around the edge of her cup.

- "Are you really you the whole time when you are at work, Reid?"

- "Well, yes?"- I wasn't sure that was the answer she wanted, but it was the only one I had- "I don't know how to be anybody else"

That was the whole truth. That's still the truth. Maybe that's why I have never been popular. People say I have no empathy, that I can't read any social cues. If I knew how to be someone else, I would probably try to change that and be a Spencer that's entirely sympathetic and social, like everybody else. But I can't force myself to act differently.

She stared at me, and I could feel the frustration piling behind her small smile.

- "Do you want to know something weird?"- her eyes shone as she stared into mines asking the question

- "Always"

- "You are the only person at the BAU I feel I can be myself with"- she whispered and sipped her coffee again.

- "Thanks?"- I was confused- "But... you are not that different with me than you are with the rest of the team"

- "Well, I am... I don't share who I really am at work because I am afraid"

- "Why? What scares you?"- she sighed and laid back on the seat. I kept my eyes fixated on her until she furrowed her brows, staring back at me

- "Are you trying to profile me, Spencer? 'cos we are not supposed to profile each other. I'm pretty sure it was in the contract I signed"- I smiled, busted, and nodded.

- "If it makes you feel any better, you are hard to read"

- "I'm a good liar, don't tell anyone"

She was proud of her answer, and I guess she should have been. You have to be an excellent liar to catch unsubs, get in their head, play with them when you have to make them talk. I guess she was ahead of me in that area.

- "Well, If it makes you feel better, I feel more comfortable around you than most of the team"

I closed my eyes as I spoke, and I knew my voice had been so low and soft, it hadn't been surprising if she hadn't been able to hear me, but she did.

- "Is it because I don't like touching people either?"- she joked, and a small smile stretched across my lips

- "It is because you"- I stopped and rearranged my thoughts. You could tell she was eager to hear the rest of my answer, and I was making sure not to make a fool out of myself.

- "It's because it feels you don't judge me for being me"

- "That's exactly how I feel, Spencer"- her smile was so big it made mine grow bigger as well.

- "But, why can't you be you with everybody?"- (Y/N) took a big bite of her cupcake, feeling more confident about our conversation and nodding.

- "Mmm, this is so damn good, you should try it, Reid"

- "Answer the question, (Y/N)"- I ignored her random comment and asked again- "Why can't you just be you?"

- "There are two answers to that question, and both of them are real"- she finally confessed and bit her lips, playing again with a little piece of cake on the dish.

- "I'm waiting"

- "You know, for someone who said has all the night off, you are indeed in a hurry now!"- she snickered and stuck out her tongue at me.

- "Fine, here's the truth: I don't want to share my whole real me at work because I am scared people will judge me and think I'm weird and too immature for the job, but at the same time, and this is the second reason, I don't wanna show my whole me at work 'cos I am afraid I'll lose it along the way, I am worried the FBI will take that weird part of me and will turn me into an SSA."

- "You are an S.S.A., (Y/N)"

- "I know, but I'm afraid I might end up being an ASS, Reid"

Her joke made me laugh so hard, tears fell down my cheeks. And she looked pleased to see me laughing.

- "See? That's me, the girl telling weird jokes the whole time 'cos can't stand a serious "grown-up" conversation. Can you imagine this (Y/N) talking with Hotch? Seriously, Reid, can you imagine?"

- "No, I can't"- I shook my head, still chuckling, and took a bit of my donut- "But I would definitely love to."

- "Do you want to know what I do in my free time?"- my mouth was still full, so I just nodded, feeling a little guilty I hadn't asked about her when she had asked about my hobbies.

- "I ride my longboard and play bass, do you think an SAA should be doing that? Do you think Elle does it? JJ? they are the perfect fit for the role. I am that kid at the back of the class who got a stroke of luck and managed to hang out with the cool kids"

- "Am I one of the cool kids?"- I had to ask

- "Yes, Reid, why?"

- "I've never been one of the cool kids before"- she gave me a severe look and sipped her coffee.

- "Here I am, pouring my heart and soul out for you, and all you care about is being one of the popular kids. That's being a lousy friend, Reid."

She was joking, and we both chuckled, but my chest tightened at her words, and the smile on my lips grew wider. She called me her friend for the first time that night.

- "I think you are overthinking this whole thing, (Y/N)"- she sighed at my words and finished her coffee- "We are all weird, you said it yourself"

- "Some on us more than other"

- "Yes, but that's what makes us great and unique. I told you, your vision brings a whole new point of view to the profiles, and I know what it's like to feel insecure people will judge you for being too young"

- "I know, that's why I'm glad you are here"

I am sure I was blushing, and I am absolutely certain she noticed because I heard her giggle as I looked down at my empty dish and fidgeted with my cup.

- "And... are"- I stuttered and narrowed my eyes. I knew I had to stop being so nervous around her; she was my friend, she had said it herself- "Are you ready to talk about your nightmares?"

- "Are you profiling I have nightmares?"- she raised an eyebrow and questioned my question

- "I am staring at the back rings under your eyes. It's clear you haven't been sleeping and considering we both know you went through a traumatic incident, to call it that way, you are clearly going through night terrors or nightmares"

- "Did you go through the same?"

- "Yes, I did"

- "And how did you overcome it?"

- "I haven't. I just made my peace with it"- you could read the deception on her face. That wasn't the answer she was waiting for.

- "They will be more sporadically, I promise, (Y/N)"

- "That's what's scares me too"

- "What?"

- "That one day I won't have the nightmares 'cos I'll be used to seeing the darkness and horror around me."

When we left the cafeteria, it was two in the morning, and the night was freezing. It was no longer raining, and the cold wind could freeze your skin in a second. (Y/N) looked at me as I shivered and opened her bag.

- "Here, put this on"- it was a purple scarf.

- "Thank you"- I was so cold I didn't hesitate. The wool was warm, soft, and it smelled like her- "It's pretty"- I felt I had to compliment it, 'cos she was too nice with me.

- "I made it myself"- you could tell she was proud. I tightened it around my neck and continued our way back to the hotel.

I hadn't felt I could count on someone at the FBI as I did with her. She wouldn't think I'm a kid; she wouldn't be forced to hang out with me. It felt pretty good to have a friend again. Ethan had been the last one I had lost. I always lose the people I love.

- "Thank you"- we were standing outside (Y/N)'s room back at the hotel. I took off the scarf and tried to give it back to her, but she didn't let me.

- "Keep, it's a present for being my first and best BAU friend"- I felt profoundly flattered, and I'm pretty sure I giggled, blushing- "Besides, purple looks good on you"

- "It's my favorite color"- I confessed- "And I'm not saying it just to make you feel good"

- "Then you have to keep it. It was made for you even when I didn't know it"- she smiled one more time and opened the door- "Good night, Reid."

- "Good night, (Y/N)."

----------

Series Masterlist

Chapter two

Do you want to comment this chapter? share a thought? or maybe join the tag list?

🤓 you can send me a message 👉🏼  here 

[theonewiththefanfics]

Give You Hell (one-shot)

Synopsis: When you’re in a relationship with someone famous while being famous it can be difficult. But not for the Reader and Harry, yet when her past comes knocking, she’ll make sure to know where she stands.

Pairing: Harry Styles x fem!Reader

Genre: fluff, some minor angst, like microscopic 

Warnings: swearing, reference to past abusive relationship, but nothing explicit.

Word count: 3428

100% inspired by ‘All American Rejects’’ ‘Gives You Hell’

Dating someone famous while being famous yourself had pros and cons, much like everything in life. The cons mostly came from the outside, not from the inside. It was the opinions of others, thinking what they said mattered, the scrutiny of the press, hoping one of them would mess up, and they could run some bullshit article just so their numbers could go up, without a second thought of how the people involved felt, and it was some jealous fans who didn’t seem to comprehend the people they admired were actual human beings with feelings and thoughts and emotions and autonomy. But other than that, Y/N’s and Harry’s relationship was just like any other. Save for when their emotions bubbled over, millions of people heard them in songs.        They’d met at the iconic yellow-suit-Harry Brit awards. She’d been right next to Hugh Jackman opening the show, a red glittering bodysuit with a black and gold ring-master jacket, a top hat adorning her head as she dominated the stage. If Harry had been sloshed at that point (much like he was later on, but who was Y/N to say, given how most of the night was a blur for her), he would’ve absolutely started drooling at the sight of her, and he was one of the thousands who stood up, hollering and clapping as she and Hugh ended their performance.

       Much to his dismay though, Y/N wasn’t one of the people assigned to sit by his table, instead, she was a couple of rows behind, whispering something into Billie Eilish’s ear, the two erupting into uncontrollable laughter.        He felt like a creep as he tried to catch every possible glimpse of Y/N, her smile making his heart race. She’d been on his radar for a while, had even thought about asking her to collaborate on a song for ‘Fine Line’, but at the end of the day, it was an album of personal discovery (and when one of his producers told him Y/N was halfway across the world in the middle of Norwegian woods for the next half-year working on her own music, he didn’t want to be a bother). But seeing her then, Harry wondered why he hadn’t reached out on his own, especially after at the after-party Lizzo had dragged Y/N to him and introduced the two.        The following day, pictures of them dancing together, drinks in hands and drunken grins on their faces would sweep the web, sparking millions of rumours, but, at that moment, they didn’t care, nor did they care about what was written because as Harry twirled Y/N under his arm, as much as the connection was there, that night they went their separate ways. Even when they were drunk, they understood that about the other person, and wouldn’t accept anything else, but a sober and coherent ‘yes’.        Sometime midday the next day, Harry reached out to Y/N through a DM on Instagram checking in on how she was doing, which then turned into a six-hour FaceTime call.        “What do you mean you’ve never had a hangover?!”        Y/N laughed at Harry’s almost offended expression. “I mean I’ve never had a hangover. I’ve never thrown up while drunk or after being drunk, my head’s never hurt – nothing. I mean I’m tired, but that’s because I’m still on New York time and got to bed at like five AM.”        “You… are something else.”        She wiggled her eyebrows. “Is that something else something good?”        Y/N didn’t know, but when Harry saw her eyes sparkle, his heart skipped a beat, and he immediately knew – she was it. “The best.”        “Well…” she bit her lip. “If I’m the best, would it be too forward of me to ask you out for a coffee?”        What Harry didn’t know was that when she saw him smile as if those were the best news in the world, her heart skipped as well, and she knew he was the one.        “Only if it’s my treat.”        “But I was the one who asked you out.”        “Yes, but you can pay for the second date.”        Holding in her squeals of joy was tough, but she raised her eyebrow, giving Harry a sly smirk. “Already so confident there’ll be a second date?”        Harry scoffed. “And a wedding!”        Seeing Y/N throw back her head as she laughed, made all sorts of butterflies fly through his stomach.        “Okay, Styles. I’ll take your word for it.”        Three months into the relationship, the two were booked to appear on The Graham Norton show together, which was also the first time they’d appear officially as a couple at a work/outing kind of a setting since the rumours started floating, and a picture of Harry kissing Y/N outside of a hotel room had sort of confirmed that.        “So, you two.” Graham pointed between Y/N and Harry with his cards. “Have started to date? Not to say anything Harry, but Y/N… I didn’t think boy-bands were your type.”        That made her lean over in laughter as Harry gave everyone a shocked face, before slumping back and pouting, nudging Y/N with his knee. “That’s not funny.”        “I mean it kind of is.”        “She was twelve when she swore off boy-bands.” Graham nodded, taking a sip of his wine. “Isn’t that what you said last time you were here?”        “Hey, it’s been ten years since I said that!” Y/N laughed. “Cut me some slack. All the people I was crushing on are married anyway… with kids… and could probably be my dads… I have issues, don’t I?”        Everyone exploded into giggles while Harry shook his head, chuckling.        “Love you with all of your issues.” He nudged her shoulder, and she nudged right back, taking a sip of her drink.        “Yeah, give it a couple of months. You’ll regret your words.”        The thing was Y/N was so wrong, and she’d never been happier to be so wrong. Each morning they were together, Harry woke up to her showering him with kisses or vice versa. As private as Harry was, his Instagram stories were now filled with pictures and small videos of them, of Y/N’s face half-covered by a blanket, glasses crooked as she smushed her cheek to his chest and watched a movie, or her eating breakfast while re-watching old Bones and Castle episodes with captions like ‘dunno how she keeps the food down’ and ‘she swears it’s just for research’, while her feed was full of candid Harry photos or her rummaging through his closet and showing everyone his immaculate style, and giving tips how others can recreate it (also she may or may not just use that as a reason to steal his clothes).        Generally, people loved it, and their love for one another. It was refreshing to see them enjoy each other’s company, and not be afraid to do so, especially now, given how it was a couple of days before Y/N ended her tour in New York in Madison Square Garden, to which Harry had specifically flown out for despite being in the middle of filming for ‘The Little Mermaid’. Three AM blinked on the clock, as the two finally drifted off to sleep after five hours of a passionate reunion when her phone dinged, indicating a message had arrived.        “Turn it off,” Harry grumbled into the skin of Y/N’s back. “’S too early.”        She hummed in agreement, furrowing her brows as her palm blindly searched for the offending device, and she squinted her eyes as the light burned her retinas before widening in shock at the message.        Harry felt her body go rigid, and he pressed a kiss to her neck. “Everythin’ alright, lovie?”        “Uh – “ she stuttered, trying to process the words on the screen. “Uh, yeah. Yes, everything’s fine. Just… some last-minute changes for the show. They want something really big for the ending, and some of the propositions are just…”        She could feel a smile stretch across Harry’s mouth. “Extravagant?”        “You could say that, yeah.”        “Sounds like it’s gonna be one hell of a show. Not that the others weren’t.”        Y/N switched the phone off wiping away the message first and then turned to cuddle into Harry’s chest. “It most certainly will.”        For the next two days, she was an anxious ball of mess, as her crew got everything ready, and her and her band rehearsed relentlessly before she asked all of them to gather at the studio to add a song to the setlist.        “It’s gonna be a couple more hours, Hazza,” Y/N murmured into the phone as Harry had called in to check on her. “ ‘M sorry. You don’t have to wait up for me. I know you’re still adjusting to New York time.”        “ ‘S alright,” he slurred, clearly already falling asleep but determined not to. “Can’t sleep without you anyway.”        At those words, Y/N’s heart did that stupid flipping thing it’d been doing ever since Harry entered her life to stay, and a shy grin blossomed on her lips. “You’re exhausted, sweetheart. But I’ll tell you what - if you do go to bed, I’ll be sure to wake you up with a kiss when I get back.”        “You promise?” She could hear the smile on his face.        “Swear it.”        “Alright, lovie. I’ll be waiting to cash in on that kiss.”        “I’ll run to give it to you as soon as I can. G’night.”        “See ya’ in a bit.”        Y/N let out a shudder as she heard the call disconnect. She entered back inside the studio and clapped her hands, drawing the attention of her producers and band members. “Where were we?”

***

       The hour before a show was always nerve-wracking for Y/N. It’s when the adrenaline truly started to rush, when her feet and palms got all tingly, and her ears and cheeks heated up. It was when their warm-up band exploded on stage, and the crowd got pumped up. But the best moment that night by far was right when she was about to run out, Harry had pulled her back by the wrist and kissed the living daylights out of her.        “You’re gonna kill it tonight,” he muttered against her lips, words skimming her mouth and making her smile as bright as the sun. She seemed to do that a lot around him. It’s why he now dedicated Golden to her every time he sang it.        “Thank you. For being here.”        Harry flicked her nose. “Always. Now go. People are waiting.”        When Y/N finally appeared on stage, pretty much glowing as brightly as the stage lights, her fans went wild, and even more so when she jumped, starting off the show. The whole time, her gaze flitted to backstage just to get a glimpse of Harry, and whenever she did, she saw him dancing, singing along, filming her having fun and some clips of himself as well, going absolutely ham to her songs.        As the night was moving towards the end, usually, she’d feel euphoria from giving a great performance, after hearing thousands of people sing her songs in unison, now Y/N felt closer to throwing up and fainting.        “So uh…” She pushed back strands of sweaty hair, hollers of people echoing in her head. “This is a very special show tonight. Umm… this is the first concert my boyfriend’s come t - .” She didn’t even get to finish the sentence before the cheers of the people interrupted her, deafening the girl even with the earplugs.        “But umm… it’s also a special show because two days ago someone reached out to me, and uh… he… well, he was as important of a person once the same way Harry is right now, and he wrote this.”        Y/N went over to where the piano chair was, lifted it and fished out her phone from it, revealing the message that’d been basically haunting her nights and days since receiving it.        “Breaking up with you was the biggest mistake I ever made.” To her own surprise, her voice was steady and sure, unlike her hands which were trembling like leaves in a storm. “I know you look happy and in love, but I know it’s not true. I’ve known you for five years, I know how to see through the mask you put on every day just to make sure others are happy while you yourself suffer an inauthentic life. But you do deserve to be happy. And I’ll be waiting for you if you decide to give us a chance again. I’ll be at your concert in Madison Square.” She looked out into the crowd. “You wrote a song once for me. If you sing it, that’s how I’ll know you feel the same.”        By the time she got to the end, there were no more shouts or screams, but confused murmurs. Y/N let out a shuddering breath, hoping that she could manage to do what she wanted, and everything didn’t fall apart. “The thing is, I’d like for Harry to come on stage, please.”        She could see the fear in his eyes as he jogged to stand next to her, but he disguised it with an overenthusiastic smile as he waved over towards the raging sea of people. He’d seen the message, had seen her reread it more than fifty times by that point, and as sure as he was in their relationship, when someone who held such importance, no matter if good or not, in someone’s life came knocking again, you could never be too sure what would happen. Harry didn’t want to say anything, believing if it was important enough, she’d tell him. Guess that was it.        “So, uh…” Y/N pulled Harry’s arms over her shoulders and grasped onto them, grounding them both. “This is for you.” Y/N looked over into the crowd before glancing over her shoulder, Y/E/C eyes meeting Harry’s wavering green ones. “And you,” she whispered so that only he could hear. “Hope you know I mean everything.”        As the cords started playing, she felt Harry unwarp his arms from where she’d been holding them over her shoulders and a smile erupted on her face.        “I wake up every evening,” Y/N sang, “with a big smile on my face, and it never feels out of place.”        “And you’re still probably workin’,” Harry’s voice joined in, grin as wide as the Cheshire cat’s, as he now had a microphone in hand, the other placing earplugs in his own ears, “at a nine-to-five pace… I wonder how bad that tastes.”        “When you see my face hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell,” the two harmonized, Y/N’s eyes locked onto the masses, imagining the face of her ex-boyfriend who had the audacity to send that message.        “When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell.” Harry was looking at the crowd as well, now fully understanding the message and the person behind it, and although he lived by ‘treat people with kindness’, he couldn’t help but gloat at the fact he got to sing with the love of his life on stage, and basically serenade a break-up song to a person who didn’t know how to appreciate what he’d had.        Y/N cocked her head to the side. “Now, where’s your picket fence, love, and where’s that shiny car? It didn’t ever get you far. You’ve never seemed so tense, love. I’ve never seen you fall so hard. Do you know where you are?” It was hard not to smile, knowing where she was and who she was with. Harry threw an arm over Y/N’s shoulders as she sang, giving a mock sad look, while Harry pouted. “And truth be told, I miss you… And truth be told, I’m lying!”        “When you see my face hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell! When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell! When you find a gal that’s worth a damn and treats you well.” Y/N pointed towards where she imagined her ex was standing. “Then she’s the fool, you’re just as well, hope it gives you hell! Hope it gives you hell!” For a split second, the music slowed down, guitar strumming in the air, as Harry pulled Y/N by the palm and towards his chest.        When the next lyrics came out of his mouth, he knew them to be true as he sang them to the man, he’d heard Y/N talk about, to the man who thought everything he’d done to her, every horrible word and deed was justified, to the man who thought breaking someone else down was the only way to bring themselves up. “Now tomorrow you’ll be thinking to yourself, where did it all go wrong, but the list goes on and on.”        “And truth be told, she misses you,” Harry hummed, Y/N letting out a large laugh, holding onto his bicep, as he slightly changed the lyrics. “And truth be told, she’s lying! When you see her face, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell! When you walk her way, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell!  When you find a gal that’s worth a damn and treats you well.” Harry sighed, shrugging his shoulders. “Then she’s the fool you’re just as well hope it gives you hell.”        “Now you’ll never see,” Y/N took over the song. “What you’ve done to me.” She placed a hand over her heart. “You can take back your memories, they’re no good to me. And here’s all your lies, you can look me in the eyes, with that sad, sad look that you wear so well.” She dragged her finger down her cheek, giving a pout while Harry mimicked her stance before turning the mic to the audience.        “When you see my face, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell,” the crowd sang back with such vigour, Y/N was sure the whole ground was shaking just from their voices, and the clapping and stomping to the drum rhythm would bring the whole world down. “When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell! When you find a gal that’s worth a damn and treats you well, then she’s the fool you’re just as well, hope it gives you hell!”        The two were jumping around the stage like madmen, adrenaline filling their veins. “When you see my face hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell!” “Hope it gives you hell!” Everyone else repeated.        “When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell!” “Hope it gives you hell!”        “When you sing this song and sing along, well you’ll never tell. Then you’re the fool, I’m just as well, hope it gives you hell!” Y/N grinned once more, placing her hand over her heart, meaning every word – she was just as well. She had amazing friends, a career that’d flourished, and a person who loved her more than words could describe.        “When you hear this song, I hope that it will give you hell!” Harry crooned down the mic, knowing their happiness would, Y/N’s happiness would give him hell. And he enjoyed it, knowing how good her life was.        “You can sing along I hope that it puts you through hell!” Her voice became the only sound as the last word echoed around everyone, her chest heaving up and down from the exertion, from all of the emotions running through her body as well as the overwhelming feeling of not only having Harry watch her perform but to end up performing with him.        When his hands wrapped around her body, it startled her out from the daze, and the popping confetti startled her even more, as the rest of her band joined the two to take their bows, grins on all of their faces while they did so.        “Not the song you thought I’d sing, is it?” Y/N laughed into the mic, Harry’s arms tightening around her waist. “There’s a reason I blocked your number, let alone you from my life. Don’t think I won’t do it again.”        “But I would like to say thank you, to the asshole in question,” Harry said, making Y/N’s forehead scrunched up. “You let go of the best person ever; you had the honour of calling yourself her boyfriend, but instead, you chose to walk away. So, thank you for that. Because now I’ll have that honour and pleasure for the rest of our lives.”        Yeah. It was one hell of a show.

Tags (crossed out wouldn’t take):

Everything tags: @lumelgy @palaiasaurus64 @supernaturalbaesduh @breezy1415 @crazy--me @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @sea040561 @staryeyedgirl @deathbyarabbit @s-c-a-r-e-d-po-t-t-e-r @reblogger-not-a-blogger @m-a-t-91 @dalilx @i-need-a-hero-i-need-a-loki @maladaptive-ninja-returns @averyrogers83 @in-the-end-im-still-trash @gallifreyansass @dewy-biitch @avxgers @unlikelygalaxygiver @magicwithaknife​ @ollyoxenfrees​ @bnhvrdy​ @tvwhoresblog​ @celebsimagines @thatkindofgurl​ @sj-thefan​ @teenwolflover28 @lestersglitterglue​ @im-squished​

Harry Styles tags: @sarcasticallywitty15​ @breezykpop​ @girlboss99​ @harrystylesdoesntknowiexist​ @alliyjane​ @sirtommyholland​

A/N: I love ‘All American Rejects’ and have been listening to ‘Gives You Hell’ non stop. It’s the best break-up song ever, and you won’t convince me otherwise. 

P.S. my tags are always open :)

P.S.S. please don’t repost my work on other platforms without my explicit written permission. reblogs are fine :)

[courtney-deserved-better]

whats ur writing schedule/process like! not in a “write faster” way, but i think once you mentioned writing in script form? and i like the way you wrote ur most recent fic! just curious bc ur works are just really good :)

this is a great question!!

if its not slippery slopes, ill usually get an idea for something and periodically jot down notes when they come to me until I feel like i have enough information to start writing (or if im just motivated), that's what i did for my horror challenge rewrite. and for stuff that's like... rewrites of an episode that aren't as character-focused as slippery slopes, i usually read the episode transcripts and try to replicate that total drama style with my own writing

for shorter oneshots, i usually just get a vague idea and run with it until i find a good ending spot, then i go back and clean it up a bit so the structure works

slippery slopes is an... interesting cycle. chapters are getting long enough that i cant just write them in one sitting any more (i think ch5 was the last chapter i did that for) and instead ill agonize over the beginning (always the hardest part to write for me) but once i get going with that i usually finish the chapter within a few days. then i reread the previous chapter to make sure it flows ok (and there aren't any contradictions) and then ill give myself a break where i dont do anything total drama related before coming back to edit and post. though before I do all that I type up notes and rough dialogue bits

and then once i post it it's like... a weight off my chest? like ive been purged or something?? idk its a weird sensation but im just like i Physically Cannot Write Anything For This Right Now and i don't start on the next chapter until that goes away. and then i either start the beginning and do nothing for a week before going back and finishing the chapter or i go into a manic state and write nonstop for a few days. right now i haven't reached a point where im ready to begin writing chapter 10 but i have a lot of notes for it.

(also as soon as i finish posting a chapter i try not to go on my laptop for like 12 hours so i don't obsessively refresh my email for comments. i love reading comments so much holy shit. please comment guys it makes fic authors feel so happy we will love you for it)

as for scripts: i am working on being a writer professionally, but specifically a playwright. writing in a script format comes more naturally to me than writing prose. funnily enough, i started posting fanfic just to practice my prose (and fix stuff in cobra kai that i didnt like) but things sort of... ended up here? idk man but im enjoying it.

right, so because writing in a script format is easier when im really struggling with a section in a fic ill usually scrap whatever i had and write it like a script, then translate that into prose. i was very excited to write the family videos for chapter 9 of slippery slopes, but i was Having Issues, so i redid it as a script and then rewrote that as prose. ill put the script version under the cut if you're interested in that.

but thank you so much for the question!! i do think my writing process is a bit unconventional but hey i think things are turning out well! if you have any more questions feel free to send them in!!

ok here is the last scene of ch 9 of slippery slopes in script format:

[SIERRA]

MOM: Hi honey! Omigosh this is so exciting! I bet you’re having such a great time! Especially since Chris is there! Is Chris watching this? Hi Chris! You know, I loooved you on that ice skating show. Your hair was fantastic! Well, it always is, haha. Do you really make your own hair gel? I’ve been trying to perfect the recipe but you’re just so hard to track down! Oh, you’re such a funny guy! I laughed sooo hard when you made all those jokes about marrying Chef.

Chef: hey!

Chris: ok just for the record, I wasn’t joking, we are married, Sierra tell your mom we’re married

Sierra: …can we just turn it off please

[COURTNEY]

DAD: Courtney, sayang, I know you’ve been going through a lot right now—

MOM: So you’d BETTER make it count. You’ve made it this far before, I want to see you getting all the way to the finale this time. And winning it. Enough moping about those hideous, good-for-nothing slackers! That’s what you get for hanging around freaks like them. You’re doing this for the million, now get the million. Is that clear?

ZARINA: And kick ass!

DAD: Zarina!

Video cuts out.

Alejandro: courtney you good?

Courtney: no, she’s right. Mama didn’t raise no quitter

Alejandro: [knows she’s still upset about duncan and gwen]

[ALEJANDRO]

MOM: Hola, Alejandro. We hope you are doing well, especially in such unsavory conditions. I’m glad to see you’ve made it to the final four— we expected nothing less, of course.

DAD: You have been utilizing your skills quite well. Though I wish you hadn’t been so… blatant about it. You’ll have to work twice as hard once this is over to convince people you’re trustworthy. But surely you were aware of that going into this… odd endeavor. That’s just politics. Reputation is everything.

JOSE: [snorts] Oh, and what a reputation you have, Al. I could easily compile hours of footage of your failures, but I, unlike you, do not waste my time on the frivolities of reality television. Though you always have been lacking in taste. Especially with that bratty girlfriend of yours— oh, my mistake, aren’t you dating the whiny weakling? It’s so hard to keep track! [laughs]

Alejandro: callate!

MOM: I’m sure Alejandro is just working an angle on them.

DAD: Whatever the case is, do not disappoint us.

[NOAH]

MOM: Hi Noah, I’m sorry, I don’t have time to record a full video, but I’m proud of you! Here are your sisters!

ISWARI: A million dollars? A million [bleep] dollars? Win it, Noah! Win it!

RUTH: Dude!! This is crazy! I know you can do this— good luck! Ark misses you! [holds up Ark who barks]

MARA: Are you insane? Why aren’t you dating Alejandro already?

Noah: shut up, mara, just because you can’t keep a boyfriend—

ANYA: Don’t let ‘em trick you! No mercy! Crush their skulls if you have to— no, wait, you’re not strong enough for that. We’ll get there!

LIYA: I say this as your sister, someone who loves you but is constantly annoyed by you— for someone who is quite literally a genius, you sure can be an idiot sometimes.

BALLARI: Okay, I literally have no idea how you’ve made it this far without an athletic bone in your body— are we sure you aren’t adopted? I’m kidding

ABS: You’re stubborn as hell when it comes to me, so you better be stubborn as hell when it comes to winning! And when you do win, get me a frozen yogurt machine, will you? I promise I won’t make you rock climb again!

JAEL: If you lose this, I’ll kill you with this racket. And then use your guts to make myself a new racket. So don’t fuck it up. Again.

Noah: [frozen, ashamed]

Sierra: well that was a mess

Courtney: ok show of hands, who felt better after hearing that? [no one raises hands]

Chris: yeah I was expecting this to be a lot more heartwarming…

Chef: chris just look at them. If they had stable home lives they wouldn’t be doing reality tv

Alejandro: can we please stop talking about this. Also aren’t you supposed to be flying the plane

Chef: oh fuck

Chris: yeah sure. I think im gonna call my mom

Everyone: …

Noah: ok so that was really shitty. Why dont we all go to first class and try and ignore our problems

Everyone: yeah ok sounds good

***

Courtney: so that sucked

Alejandro: at least your dad seems ok

Courtney: true. What are your guys dads like

Noah and Sierra: bold of you to assume I know my dad. Jinx

***

Alejandro: that last girl… you mentioned a sister who does tennis and hates you

Noah: yep

Alejandro: why?

Noah: none of your business. but… it is pretty justified

[errorsharingiscaring]

Moon Knight System Relationship Analysis + Other Notes + A Lot Of Rambling + A Breakdown (Episode 4)

Jake gone.

System gone.

Life gone

Disclaimer: I do not have DID and to my knowledge have never met a system. I will fix any mistakes that people point out. 

TW: Swearing, a lot of caps, MK rep criticism.

You know, when I started typing out my thoughts on episode 5 and then went into a tangent about episode 1 within the first paragraph and then decided “ok fuck it I guess we’re doing this now” and started this entire mess of a long-ass essay, I thought I’d lose interest incredibly quickly and never actually finish all of the episodes, or worse, I’d forget everything I wanted to say about episode 5’s ending (Which is an unfortunately common thing with me, it’s why I wanted to write it down). 

But here we are. Episode 4. And the hours I spend rewatching the episodes and typing out my thoughts are the happiest hours of the day! And I’m glad I did it this way, not episode 5 first and then the others because now I’m gonna go into the thing with a whole new perspective. So many things I would have missed if I’d just taken everything at face value! 

I love analysis. I genuinely do. It’s fun to see things come together, figure out the themes, understand characters and their motivations, piece together why the scene plays out like it does. But few shows have anything worth mentioning beyond the obvious reasonings and that makes analysis boring and not fun at all to do. So I’m very selective. 

Moon Knight is a show that comes once in a decade. And I love every single part of it. 

Episode 4. Tomb time! 

And instantly we get to see why Marc trusts Layla so much to have his back – I'd put my life in her hands. Without question. 

So for most of this episode Marc doesn’t front. It’s like a mirror to episode 3, where Steven fronted only at the end. And both of them had valid reasons for shunning the other, even if pettiness is part of it. 

Or, I should say, a large part of it. Marc kept Steven from the front when he should have given it up as soon as he realized he knew nothing about the sarcophagus, so that stung. To be fair to Marc, he had no assurance that Steven was going to give the front back if things got ugly, which had a very high chance of happening in a wide open area where there are tens of armed goons. Eventually he did let him front, but that was in a more peaceful position (as far as they knew), where Steven wasn’t going to get shot at. But ah. Pettiness. 

This beginning sequence, Layla talking to Steven, is both of them vocalizing their issues with Marc, who “isn’t there to hear”. And Layla starts with “we’re gonna need Marc”, but as soon as Steven points out that he was being kinda rude to her - “Hadn’t he disappeared from your life already?” it turns into bonding through hate. 

As patient as Layla is, it is definitely not the easiest thing sticking by someone who seems to actively get in the way of doing that. Someone who refuses to talk, who just keeps everything to himself, and now he disappeared for months and his only explanation is “welp whatever guess I fucked up now huh I guess we’re not okay now oops”. Steven is everything Marc isn’t, just like Marc is everything Steven isn’t. Steven is honest and forthcoming with his words while Marc is closed off and expresses his affection through actions and small gestures. Marc is usually stoic, single-focused, while Steven goes on a million tangents as soon as anyone mentions anything Egypt-related. After Layla spent however long she did with Marc and got so used to his antics that eventually they’ve become a thing she speaks negatively about when angry, meeting Steven, someone who is the opposite of all those annoying habits, is truly refreshing. 

This is not me justifying her kissing Steven. I feel like that’s a more complicated thing than the show allows it to be, and we can’t be certain about why Layla did it or how she felt, we don’t actually know her history with Marc. 

But it may be possible that she just misses him? 

Yeah she understands the alter thing and that Steven is not Marc, but... “You smell like him”, “you look like him”, and Marc’s most annoying habits are turned opposite, almost endearing because of how genuine Steven is... 

All I’m saying is, there is probably a long conversation about this once all the tension dies down. And I hope we get to see it! 

And despite everything, Marc still is worried for Steven. Every time Marc demands the front it’s when Steven is getting himself into a situation that Marc could handle better. But that has been this entire “mission” - this is Marc’s expertise, Steven was only really needed for figuring out the code for the sarcophagus. Everything else has been proven to be out of his depth, including handling a fight. So perhaps out of spite – not letting Marc do things the “violent” way, or out of pettiness – giving Marc a taste of his own medicine, not being allowed to front, Steven is not going to let himself be underestimated again. Not like he’s been his entire life, at his job, or by Marc, or Khonshu – Steven is going to get things done his way. 

And Marc understands that. He’s been watching Steven be put down, walked over and misnamed for far too long. And maybe there was little guilt in Marc when he gave Steven the front last episode. Maybe he realized he treated Steven the way that all those awful people did. And when Steven put his foot down, declaring that this was now his mission, Marc saw something a little different in Steven. 

So while he’s been protecting him this entire time, Marc realized his mistake in underestimating Steven. And when Steven doesn’t even flinch at “If you are gonna go through with this, you gotta be smart. For Layla’s sake”, Marc’s only reply is reassurance - “I’m here [in case you feel outnumbered], you’re not alone”. 

(And personally I love how Marc says “I’ll throw us, oFF A CLIFF”. It’s sad that right after he says “I’m here” Steven just bites back with “I’ve got Layla”. Like “I have the trust of someone you fucked up your relationship with, how does that feel?”. It’s an understandable anger from Steven, but... he really does not get the full picture. And I’ve seen Marc’s reaction be called jealousy, which might be a part of it, but the sting of a person he thinks he’s been protecting by distancing himself from being so enamored with what Marc must think of as “his better version”, it’s just... 

It hurts. And what hurts me is what if Marc thinks that Steven and Layla together is better for the both of them? What if Marc takes himself out of the picture on purpose, just so he can see the two people he loves the most be happy together, without his involvement, without him “fucking things up”? 

… Episode 5 happens though. And even if Marc would try to make this happen, Steven wouldn’t allow it. 

(Even now, when it’s just Steven and Layla, and Marc isn’t peeking into their conversation through any reflection, even when Layla is the one that leans into the kiss, Steven backs away with almost a scared look in his eyes and blurts out “Marc is trying to protect you”. Even full of spite and anger and pettiness, Steven almost automatically says “Marc isn’t a shitty guy”, because that’s what he’s slowly starting to realize. 

It’s been steadily happening over time. How he reacted to Harrow’s speech about Khonshu, how he gave up the front to Steven mid-fight, how he let Steven do his thing with the sarcophagus map, how he did try to reassure Steven that he’s not alone and Marc is always there if the worst case scenario happens. It’s all the little moments Steven noticed that made him believe the first thing Marc told him – “I am protecting [Layla]”. So Steven tells her what Marc can’t - that he still very deeply cares for her. 

So in Steven’s head, the kiss is less to replace Marc and more because they like each other as people. Overall, a decent way out of an impossible situation. 

(Even if Marc doesn’t necessarily agree.) 

(The fact that pure spite and anger was strong enough to take over just one hand for a single punch is just... Yeah I accept that as the only time in-universe rules are broken.)) 

And despite that, when Marc appears in a reflection again, he doesn’t seem pissed off. In fact, I think he’s missing a line in the few he says. A “Thank you”. 

I feel like I re-say this every episode but Marc truly does not understand words. He does not know how to properly express what he feels in words, that’s why his actions are important, they speak to his inner world. So Steven saying what Marc couldn’t - that he’s protecting Layla and him pushing her away wasn’t because he suddenly decided he “wants his life back” - it’s a meaningful moment to Marc. Someone understanding what he can’t do and then doing that thing for him is probably a first from Steven. 

Steven being kind to Marc is a first. 

Just... Them <3 

And now we get on a depression train that’s not gonna stop for a while, buckle in! 

First time Harrow made Layla doubt the whereabouts of her father’s death, she asked Marc about it and he immediately said everything was false. And yes that conversation could count as a fight but it’s nothing they haven’t experienced before – Layla learning something new about Marc and being frustrated about it. 

But this time Harrow gave details. That Marc was at the site, that her father was at the site and that scarf that Layla would know he died with. Marc can’t escape with lies again, he can’t say it doesn’t matter because Layla isn’t believing it again. Because even if Marc wasn’t the one that killed her father, “[he] was there”.  

Layla is done with the lies, it’s honestly surprising she wasn’t done with them way before, but this is twice now the same lie Marc has been trying to tell her is related to her father. All that time together, marriage, partnership, perhaps even being the only person there for each other – and Marc never mentioned that he knew something about her father’s death. His worst habit, his lying, the thing that she experienced the most of and what caused the two of them the most pain – it comes back, just once more, to make them lose everything. 

It hurts, knowing what’s ahead, but it is truly exceptional how much it hurts. 

That Marc has to speak, he has to tell exactly how it went down, him sharing secrets is bringing unimaginable pain but he can’t soften the blow, he can’t cut himself off now, he wants to tell Layla “It’s not worth recalling, you don’t need to know”, but he knows her, he knows how much her father means to her, he knows he’s the only one that can say what truly happened and he has to because if he doesn’t do it now he never will. 

Layla shoves him and he shifts right back, “You brought a killer right to him”, he can only nod, he can only accept that her hate and her anger and her “You just had a guilty conscience” accusation is the late punishment he is receiving for his actions. He can’t explain that their entire relationship isn’t him just doing penance, that he genuinely loves her and would give her the world, but he can’t give back what he took from her, that he will never forgive himself and will never stop trying to save her more pain than he has already caused her. 

He doesn’t even get the chance. 

The Sarcophsystem is killed. 

(Oh. Oh no I hope I’m wrong. 

Why didn’t Jake front to protect the system from death? 

There’s definitely the aspect of there being just way too much to handle, that no matter what kind of power you have you couldn’t get out of that situation alive (or not horribly wounded). But there is a mystical power that could manage that. 

One that. 

Seems. 

To come. 

As a prerequisite. 

To. 

Jake. 

Lockley. 

What if it is exactly that. Yes yes Jake can see what’s happening and he may understand that it’s hopeless but this is not the first “hopeless” situation the system has gotten itself into. Episode 6, how the hell do you recover enough from your soul being sucked out of your body to take out a horde of goons and a person that holds the power of an almighty god? Yes yes Khonshu armor gud, BUT JAKE IS A HUGE PART OF THAT MIRACULOUS FIX. Steven had that armor, Marc had that armor, and yet as soon as Jake took the stage, it apparently didn’t even take that long for the situation to be dealt with. With how Layla reacts when Marc and Steven return, it’s not impossible to think it was just a blink of an eye (CUE THE COMIC ACCURATE WAVY MUMMY STRIP ARMOR THAT REALLY LOOKS LIKE IT COULD TAKE CARE OF A BUNCH OF PEOPLE AT ONCE). 

What if Jake can only handle things when he has Khonshu’s armor. Or his protection, encouragement, WHAT IF POST CREDITS SCENE IS MORE THAN JUST KHONSHU TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE SYSTEM. What if the only reason Jake is protecting the system or bothering to is because of a deal he made with Khonshu? 

What if the Jake alter appeared because of Khonshu? 

Yes I know Khonshu had something to do with Marc’s brother dying, but why the fuck would that stupid bird take notice of a completely ordinary child? IT’S PROBABLY SOMETHING SEASON 2 EXPLAINS BUT COME ON. 

If we take all the facts as we have them now, it is hauntingly pointing towards Jake only being there because of Khonshu. Protecting the system because of Khonshu, because of a deal, because of something that prevented Jake from defending the system from death when they didn’t have Khonshu’s power. 

You cannot begin to fathom how much I hope I’m wrong. From what I’ve seen of people talking about the comics and Jake he has nothing to do with Khonshu pre-Marc making a deal with him, Jake is another alter like Steven, appearing because of severe childhood trauma and serving a purpose that’s mainly “protecting the system like they weren’t when they were kids”, but what other fricking explanation is there. 

Alps was a death situation. THE GUYS HAD GUNS, Jake pops in then, pops in with the car chase, one wrong swerve they were all dead. 

Cairo chase was also death, THE GUYS HAD KNIVES, Jake pops in then! 

You’re telling me Jake “I’ll take care of this fight for you Steven!” Lockley wasn’t going to even try getting them out of that situation? 

You’re telling me Jake “I’ll take the uncomfortable ride through this bumpy car with these people that really want us dead for you Marc!” Lockley wasn’t going to front to at least take the pain of the gunshot?! 

You’re telling me Jake “I’ll kill this evil bastard that wants us dead for you guys because I know you’re not gonna do it because you don’t want that on your conscience!” Lockley just- 

JUST LET THEM DIE LIKE THAT?! 

AND NOW I’M JUST THINKING OF HIM KNOWING HOW TO GET OUT OF THE AFTERLIFE. Like he’s obviously buddy-buddy with Khonshu, you think the birb talked to him more and explained the afterlife and how to come back to life to him?! YOU’RE TELLING ME THE MORE REASONABLE OPTION TO EXPLAIN THIS IS JUST “KHONSHU SAID TO FREE HIM BECAUSE HE AND JAKE KNEW OF A WAY TO DIE AND COME BACK TO LIFE WITH MINIMAL EFFORT BUT IT REQUIRES KHONSHU TO BE NOT BOUND TO STONE”?! 

WHY WOULD THE BIRD THEN TAKE THE RISK OF BEING BOUND, WHAT IF SOMEONE SHOT THE SYSTEM AS SOON AS HE WAS A ROCK BIRB?! 

DID KHONSHU ALSO KNOW HOW TO APPEAL TO OSIRIS SO HE WOULD LET THEM THROUGH THE GATES?! 

HOW MUCH DOES JAKE KNOW OF THE AFTER LIFE!!!! 

Oh my LORD. 

Okay. Great. Amazing. We have two explanations. 

Jake had a deal with Khonshu before Marc even knew he existed. Great. Cool. Jake only protects the system when Khonshu is there to give him immortality armor. Yeah. This sounds really stupid now that I say it out loud. 

BUT THE ALTERNATIVE IS THAT KHONSHU TOLD JAKE BASICALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT THE ENNEAD AND HOW IT WORKS, HOW TO MANIPULATE TAWERET TO TURN THE BOAT AROUND SO THEY WOULD BE HEADING TOWARDS THE GATES OF OSIRIS, THEN EXPLAINED HOW TO APPEAL TO OSIRIS SO HE LETS THEM BACK INTO LIFE, AND IT ALL HINGED ON KHONSHU NOT BEING BOUND TO STONE SO THE HEALING ARMOR CAN REVIVE THEM – AND THEN THE STONE AGE FUCKING PREHISTORIC DINOSAUR WENT AND GOT HIMSELF TURNED INTO A STUPID PLAGUE DOCTOR STATUE?! 

I- 

It makes so much sense I hate it. 

I hate- 

Oh my lord. 

Basically: 

Khonshu: “If there ever comes a time when you can’t get out of a difficult situation, dying is a valid option!” 

Jake: “WhAt.” 

I just. 

I want a season 2. 

I WANT THEM TO EXPLAIN SO MUCH SHIT- 

GodDAMMIT. 

(AND THE SCALES BALANCE HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE SCALES BALANCE THAT’S NOT SOME SORT OF FORMULA YOU CAN JUST MEMORIZE TO REPEAT IT EASILY WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUU-)) 

Aight that’s episode 4. 

I knooooow the beginning of the hospital is this episode’s end, but I have the intro written already and I wanna start with it so the only thing I can really is the way Steven was screaming inside the sarcophagus seemed really alarmed. This is one of two pieces of evidence towards my “Steven is claustrophobic” theory, and there’s not much beyond it. But I guess it’s just a little bit about Steven, and these little things end up doing the most for characterization, so it’s a win! 

And before diving head-first into episode 5, I have to say that for all the love I have for this show, I can’t ignore its worse sides. My focus is the writing, not the matter of whether it’s good representation or not, but scrolling through tumblr it’s inevitable to read people’s reviews. 

And just judging it by rep... it’s mixed at best. 

They avoided using proper DID terminology, avoided using the actual term itself, characters repeated insults usually thrown at systems that are used to discredit DID, and the show didn’t disprove them (when it should have, adamantly), it used the classic annoyingly unrealistic “alters talk through reflections” thing, they didn’t have a conversation about DID where it was plainly said that systems are people same as otherwise neurodivergent persons are, all really important to hear to a mainstream audience that’s been fed bad and false representation for a long time, now taking the show as high authority in the conversation. 

I admire the writing. It fell really short on representation. 

So there is room for improvement. And thank fuck there is, if it was an astronomical disaster in every aspect imaginable, it would be a lot more difficult to convince a studio such as Marvel to give it another shot with tweaks that the fans and community suggested. And that would affect their opinion on trying to represent other marginalized groups. (I know a lot of people think that would be a good thing, but there has to be something to balance out the misinformation of media in the past. The stigma has to be rooted out, and Marvel is using their platform like a huge multi-media corporation should. All of their research matched the insane resources they have for it, so they can dedicate even more to get it just right.) 

A verdict of good or bad is too final for a show that tackled a long misrepresented topic of an experience that is very different for each person. And looking back on people’s opinions when the announcement of Moon Knight came out... 

We all expected much worse, didn’t we? 

Like as soon as we saw “MARVEL is making a show about a CHARACTER THAT HAS DID”, we all expected the worst of the worst, that it was going to be such bad representation it would put Split to shame. 

So if nothing else, those expectations are shattered. For better, for worse, for somewhere in the middle. 

So whatever comes first, season 2 or a movie appearance, let’s hope that they at least start using the terms that any simple tumblrite can find and easily remember within 20 minutes of scrolling. 

(Let’s hope) 

Episode 5 my friend, my fiend. 

[huntertales]

Part One: Tough Love. (Bad Boys S09E07)

Episode Summary: When an old friend of Dean’s asks for help to solve a murder, Sam and the reader discover that the older Winchester as a secret past—one that will help solve the hunt. Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader Word Count: 4.591.

Previous Part | Supernatural Rewrite Masterlist

Silence was a rare occurrence in the bunker, even more so when everyone was home. Despite the place being vast and wide with countless rooms to occupy, you and the boys typically stuck with the same out of functionality and comfort. One room in particular quickly turned into a personal favorite among all of you when you moved in almost a year ago. The library was the perfect spot to get research done for an upcoming hunt and lounge around with a drink after a job well done. It was also the only spot where it was impossible to hear actual quietness. No sounds of talking or obscene noises that ruined the reason why Sam wanted to be here in the first place.

Out of all the rooms the bunker had to offer, it was obvious to Sam the library was his most favorite of it all. Just like you and his brother. You enjoyed it for the perfect atmosphere that it brought for research. Dean loved the comfy chairs and expensive liquor he drank on the odd occasions. It might have  been easy to guess that Sam loved the library for the several shelves of books on lore. A hunter's dream come true. While that was part of it, there were little gems spread around that had caught his attention. First editions of classic novels he heard of before, and a few he discovered by accident. Sam forgot the last time he was able to read a book that wasn't for learning about a monster or figuring out how to undo the mess of Heaven. All he wanted to do was sit down with a good book and just relax. Today felt like the day he might be able to do that. 

Sam called out his brother's name first, a few seconds later it was followed by Kevin's. His answer was dead silence. A smile crept on the edges of his lips when he stepped into the library to see that it was perfect. You looked up from your laptop when you heard Sam's voice break your concentration from what you had been working on. Dean was off somewhere else while Kevin decided to work on the translations in a different part of the bunker, hoping a change of scenery might help him focus better. You turned your attention back to the laptop to continue working, filling the air with the sounds of your keyboard tapping. A familiar tune that brought the younger Winchester back to his college days. Sam decided to join you.

Sam made his way over to the bookshelf, the exact one he'd come in here for, and glanced over the several battered hardcovers. He pretended to casually gloss over the titles as he glanced over his shoulder to make sure his brother was still gone. You wouldn't have cared about the fact that he plucked off a red cover novel that he couldn't stop thinking about. One with a familiar title of a land you both had thought was fictional. Filled with characters by the name of Dorothy and the Wicked Witch, who were in fact real people. Sam had been itching to read the series for himself to get a taste of the real magic, a fraction of the adventures Charlie was having in Oz. 

Sitting down in the chair nestled in the corner, Sam happily got himself comfortable and opened up the book to the first page, with a little too much eagerness for a series that was supposed to be written for children. No one was too old for a classic tale. However, right before Sam could even read the first word, he overheard a noise over your typing and occasional clip from the trackpad. It sounded like vibrations. A slight annoyed look crossed his face at the disruption. It only deepened when Sam watched as you continued to sit there, mindlessly scrolling through whatever was keeping your attention. Sam passively shut the book a little too loudly. You still didn't acknowledge the vibrating phone on the table across from your own.

"Please, let me." Sam muttered to himself. He set his book aside on another shelf and reluctantly made his way over to the phone. Glancing down at the caller I.D., it turned out to be a number he wasn't familiar with. Not the one to ignore a call, he pulled the charger out from the plug and answered before it could go to voicemail. "Hello?" The voice on the other line was male, and not one he was able to recognize. You finally glanced up from your laptop from what you heard next. Sam smiled to himself at the ridiculous nickname for whomever they were trying to reach. "I'm sorry, there's no Dee-dawg, uh..."

"I got it. I got it." Dean came out of nowhere, seeming to have heard the conversation from wherever he was, and plucked the phone out from his brother's hand. "Sonny, hey. So, what's up?" You shut your laptop and got up from your seat at hearing the one-sided conversation unfold, curious as to who was on the other end. Never in your life did you hear someone use a nickname like that on Dean. You wondered who this Sonny guy was. "All right. Yeah, just sit tight. I'll be there soon as I can." 

You made your way over to the boys right as Dean ended the call. You casually crossed your arms over your chest and sat down on the edge of the table, a little curious as to who contacted him. "So, what was that all about, Dee-dwag?" You couldn't help the smile that crossed your face at the nickname that sounded childish coming out from your mouth.

"Sammy, you remember when we were kids that spring in upstate New York?" Dea tried to spark an old memory in his brother's mind, despite how their childhood wasn't spent in one place for very long. They'd visited so many different places, so many small towns with motels that blurred into the same place. "Dad was on a rugaru hunt. We crashed at the, uh...the bungalow colony with the ping-pong table?'

"Yeah. You disappeared. Dad came back. You were gone. He shipped me off to Bobby's for a couple and went and found you." Sam remembered the details from the time he was twelve. While the small details were a bit fuzzy, there was no forgetting the moments when his father got beyond angry after coming back from a hunt to see disaster had struck. "You were lost on a hunt or something.”

Dean's expression changed at hearing his brother's version of the story that differed from his own, almost like it refreshed his own memory. "That’s what we told you. Right."

"I'm sorry?" You were caught off guard at what Dean said. John was never going to be father of the year in your eyes. He was a lot of things, but a liar was not one of them. You furrowed your brow in confusion. "That's what you told Sam?"

"Truth is, uh..." Dean came clean with the real version of what really happened all those years ago while you continued to listen. You and his brother both appeared to be interested as to why John felt the need to keep up the lie for so many years. What could have been so bad that Sam wasn't able to know? "I lost the food money  that Dad left for us in a card game. I knew you'd get hungry, so...I tried taking the five-finger discount at the local market and got busted. I wasn't on a hunt. They sent me to a boys' home." 

"A boys' home, like a...reform school?" You took a wild guess as to where he ended up for those few months. You didn't understand the need to cover up the truth, and why John let him stay there for all that time. You weren't a personal fan of the way John raised his children, having made a remark here and there over the years, you figured it was for the best to keep some things to yourself. It might have been one of the few moments in Dean's life where there was an actual proper guardian looking over him. Beside Bobby, of course. 

"Yeah, more or less. It was a farm, and the guy who ran it—Sonny—he, you know, he looked after me." Dean told you the rest of the story. You always enjoyed meeting people from the boys' past, it was almost like getting to discover another part of their tangled and strange childhood. 

"Wait." Sam was caught up on one detail as to why the older man was calling out of the blue. People from their past don't call just to say hello, unless there was a problem attached to that greeting in need of solving. "Does Sonny know what we do?"

"Yeah. He's good people. I gave him the number to the Bat Phone, and it sounds like he's got something in our wheelhouse." Dean said. You nodded your head in agreement at the plan. Sometimes people were believers in the supernatural, sometimes it took a strange phenomenon for them to understand. You covered your mouth with your hand when you found yourself letting out a yawn, which didn't go unnoticed. "Hey, you gonna be cool do this, or are you too tired?”

"Yeah, I'm just, uh..." You pushed yourself up to your feet and tried to get yourself to feel more awake. You blamed your sluggishness on the lack of your usual amount of caffeine. There was no way you were missing out on a hunt because you felt tired. "I'll be fine."

Dean wanted to take your word on that alone, but he wanted to be sure. He placed a hand on the back of a chair and balanced the other on the table, leaning down to ask you an odd sounding question. "And everybody's okay with heading out to the Catskills?"

You found yourself looking around the library to see who Dean might be talking to, despite the fact he was making full eye contact with you. You raised your brow slightly and smiled at his behavior. "Unless Sammy has other reservations, we are everybody.”

"Yeah. Right. All right." Dean stood back up into a standing position, pretending like everything was back to normal once more. You didn't see the strange look Sam passed his brother from the way he was acting about a certain someone. "Grab your stuff, and we'll head out." 

You rolled your eyes as you watched Dean make his way out the library to pack a few things for the hunt ahead of you. Before he could get too far, Sam stopped him. He needed to ask a question of his own about the conversation spoken just a few moments ago. "Hey, Dean...why didn't you just tell me you went to a boys' home?"

"I don't know. It was Dad's idea." Dean said. "And it just—you know, the story became the story. I was sixteen."

For some reason you felt like Dean wasn't telling you the whole story. It felt out of character for John to make up some lie to Sam. A parent would most likely make this a teachable moment. Screw up enough and you'll end up in a boys' home for a few months. You looked over at Sam to see he shared the same confused expression as yourself.

+ + +

You weren't sure what to expect when you made it to the Catskills where Sonny's home was nestled in. You heard of homes for troubled youth for behavior and crimes that weren't drastic enough for juvenile hall. An alternative that was the epitome of tough love for kids with parents who reached their end, or for those who didn’t care enough to bother trying at all. "Sonny's Home For Boys'' greeted you and the brothers of the establishment where Dean spent a few months by himself. It turned out to be exactly like Dean said, it was just a farm that had seen better days with a cozy looking home nestled on top of the hill. 

Dean parked the Impala on the dirt road that led up to the house and got out, you and Sam following quickly after. He glanced around the area to see if it might still look the way he remembered. You swore you saw a smile across his face when you happened to glance over his way, the kind someone got when returning to a happy memory. You took a look around yourself to see what made this so special. For a kid who spent his entire life from town to town, stability was something he might have craved. He had his own bed for a couple of months. Dean didn't have to worry about taking care of someone for those two months besides himself...You wondered if that’s why Dean kept it a secret. 

"You were here for two months and Dad couldn't find you?" Sam examined the farm for himself to try and see what was so special about this place that made Dean want to stay. It was another small town with acres of farmland that most likely was taken care of by the boys who stayed here. Not exactly paradise for a sixteen year old who'd been all over the country to settle for a little while.

"Oh, no. He found me quick. But he left me here 'cause I lost our money." Dean told you the reason for his extended stay, following a chuckle like it was all some funny story. You and Sam shared the same unamused sort of expression when the both of you happen to turn your heads to look at one another.

"You were sixteen." You came to the older man's defense to try and realize the punishment was a little harsh for something stupid. When you were at that age, what few months you still had left of teenage bliss, you fooled around and got yourself into deep trouble. Maybe not gambling away food money while your father abandoned you for God knows how long while you were forced to take care of another sibling...still, you felt the punishment didn't fit the crime. "You made a mistake."

"Yeah. I made the mistake." Dean said, seeming to refuse to try and see things from your perspective. "Look, I know how you guys think. None of this was Dad's fault." 

Was it ever in the eyes of Dean? You kept your thoughts to yourself and trailed behind the boys as you made your way up the porch steps. Dean knocked on the door and waited a few seconds before someone answered. It was a middle aged woman who opened up, leaving the screen door as a barrier between you and her. You noticed right away from the stern look on her face she didn't seem too pleased to see three strangers standing on the porch. You figured Sonny didn't tell her company was coming. You spotted the gold cross that hung from her neck, the size of it was too hard not to miss. A holy woman helping run a boys' home. There was nothing scarier than a God fearing woman.

The woman crossed her arms over her chest when Dean offered a friendly smile and a polite hello. "What can I do for you kids?"

"I'm Dean. This is my brother, Sam. And this is our friend, Y/N." Dean introduced all of you. "We're old buddies of Sonny's."

"Prison buddies?" She was quick to judge, causing Sam to clear his throat at the quick escalation of who Sonny was before even meeting him. You softly nudged the man in the ribs and gave him a side-eyed glare before smiling at the woman.

"No." Dean said. "You mind telling him that we're here?"

"I'll go get him." She responded a few seconds later, taking the time to give all of you a once over in some kind of way to make sure you were decent people. Not some strangers from Sonny's past he had all left where it should stay. Dean opened up the screen door and was about to step inside, but she stopped him before doing such a thing. "I just mopped this floor, so you take off those roach stompers."

Not the one to make a bad impression, you and the boys listened, slipping off your shoes so they laid on the porch before stepping inside. Sam felt the need to bring up a small fact about the man who ran this place, finding it rather odd someone who had a run-in with the law now helped troubled youth. "Sonny's an ex-con, huh?"

"What, and we're such angels?" Dean scoffed at his brother's passive judgement on the guy before he got the proper chance to meet him. "Trust me, he's more than made up for it." 

Dean stepped inside the home first with you and his brother following behind. You looked around while Dean took everything in about the place that hadn't changed since the last time he was here almost twenty years ago. The furniture was still the same as he remembered, Sonny even kept the awards in the same spot of their accomplishments. Dean didn't realize how much he missed this place, despite not wanting to be here at first when he was a teenage punk who gave the cop who arrested him a black eye. He might still have the same sarcastic charm and hatred for authority when he was a kid, but there was no doubt in his mind Sonny taught him some valuable lessons during his stay here.

"Dee-dwag!" You heard that ridiculous nickname again, this time coming from the man who gave it to Dean. You saw an older man step out from another room with a wide smile on his face at the sight of the fully grown Winchester.

"Sonny, good to see you." Dean greeted the man with the same happiness in his voice. He embraced the man into a tight hug after meeting up again after so many years apart.

"Hey, you, too, brother." Sonny said. Pulling away, he noticed that Dean didn't make the journey up here alone. He was quick to notice the tall man looming around was the little brother Dean talked so much about. "Oh, and this must be Sam." 

“Good to meet you.” Sam greeted the man with a friendly smile of his own. 

"Back at you, brother." Sonny grabbed the younger Winchester's hand to shake when he stuck it out before dropping it back down to his side. He finally turned his attention to you, trying to put a name to a face. “I don’t believe Dean mentioned you before.” 

"Sonny, this is my girlfriend, Y/N Y/L/N.” Dean rarely introduced you as such to people. Most of the time it was either hunting partner or family friend to strangers from his past. For some reason he felt the need to tell Sonny the deeper relationship you had with him. "She's a close family friend of ours. We’ve known each other since we were born. Circumstances broke us apart, but we actually reunited back together a year after I left this place." You looked over at him and smiled, the thought of seventeen soon-to-be eighteen Dean was a drastic difference to the man who stood in front of you today. 

"Good for you." Sonny seemed to be proud at hearing Dean had landed himself in a happy relationship. From the way you two looked at each other it was easy to tell he was head over heels in love. "He ain't giving you too much trouble now, has he?"

"Not anymore than usual. But it’s what I signed up for." You joked with Sonny. You lightly tapped Dean on his chest and flashed him a smile. “Good thing I love him.” 

Dean couldn't help the bashful sort of smile that crossed his face at hearing you say those three words to him. Normally they were saved for private moments where no one could hear you. You carelessly tossed them around and meant them. Dean felt a spark of pride hit him out of nowhere for some reason. As if he was showing Sonny he ended up okay for himself.

"So," Dean continued on with the conversation. "The farm looks."

"Oh, please, man. It's barely standing." Sonny brushed off the empty compliment that was just the polite way to make small talk before going in for the real reason why all of you were here. "Only got a handful of kids working around here."

Dean's face scrunched up slightly at hearing that news. When he was here back in the day, almost every bed was taken here with no one left without a job to do as instructed by Sonny. "Why's that?"

"Because these days, the system would rather incarcerate a boy than redeem him." Sonny replied.

"Hey, Sonny, uh," Sam happened to look across over to the dining room to spot the woman who answered the door was lingering around in an obvious sort of way. She was wiping an already clean table with a rag. You could tell she was trying to eavesdrop. Sam made sure to drop his voice to a whisper as he casually crossed his arms over his chest. "You mind if we talk alone?"

"Hey, Ruth," Sonny looked over his shoulder to see she was lingering around for whatever reason why. Maybe she wanted to know why a bunch of strangers from Sonny’s past decided to come by without a warning. "Would you please go check on the boys, make sure their money chores are getting done?"

Ruth hesitantly nodded her head before making her way somewhere far enough away to keep the conversation going without worry. "All right." Dean jumped to the real reason why all of you were here in the first place. "So, what's happening?"

"Well, you remember Jack, do you?" Sonny asked. 

Dean nodded his head. "Yeah. The tough, old leatherneck." 

"Mmhm. Well, somehow, that ancient, rusty, broken-down tractor just roared to life and ran him over the other night." Sonny shared the strange and unfortunate news of an old worker here who suffered a strange and terrible sounding death that was out of the ordinary. 

"Maybe it just slipped out of park or something." You guessed, trying to figure out a more logical reason behind it.

"Couldn't have. You know, I never believed any of this mumbo-jumbo stuff you kids are into, but...something ain't right." Sonny said. His concern made you a little bit curious as to what he meant by all of that. "Well, just things started happening—lights flickering on and off, strange scratching sounds coming from inside the walls, windows and doors slamming."

"All right. You think you can round up the boys while we take a look around?" Dean asked, having heard enough to suspect of what might be going on around here.

"Well, that shouldn't be a problem. Most are home on a break—well, except those with no home worth going to." Sonny said. 

Sonny went on to round up the boys so they wouldn't be around to disturb any of you when you got to the bottom of figuring out what might be going on. "All right. Why don't you and Y/N take the house?" Dean suggested a plan to you and his brother. "I'll check the barn."

The both of you nodded your head in agreement before going your own seperate ways to get a proper sweep of the house. Sam decided to take the upstairs part of the house while you stuck with the downstairs, thinking you might be able to cover more ground that way while Dean stuck with the parts of the farm he was familiar with. You took a sweep of the main parts of the house to see there was nothing out of the ordinary from what you usually looked for in this situation; no EMF, no sulfur and not a trace of a hex bag. Even though what Sonny described was typically signs of a spirit, it didn't hurt to check off all the boxes just to be safe if things ended up not being what you thought. 

Soon enough you made your way into the bedroom area where the boys slept after a hard day’s work. You spotted at least a half dozen twin sized beds spread around the place. Some of them were messy, a few of them were perfectly made. Sonny was right about there not being a lot of boys anymore. You looked around the place to see it almost seemed like any other bedroom. Plenty of furniture, some toys and board games lying around. You realized that this was the exact same room Dean spent two months in when he was sixteen. And you got confirmation he was here when you spotted something engraved into one of the beds.

Your fingers brushed over a hunting symbol carved into the bedpost that was most likely done by Dean himself. A smile crossed your face at the thought of teenage Dean protecting himself from evil while alone from his family, despite it only being his brother and absent father. You crouched down when you spotted some masking tape on the foot of the bed as well, making up as some kind of nameplate. Out of curiosity, you pulled off the first layer, revealing another name that you guessed belonged to another boy who slept in this bed previously. You pulled off another piece of tape, and another, and another until you came across the one you had been looking for—Dean W. 

Your head snapped away from the tape and to the door across the room when you heard rustling that broke your concentration. The door that led to the other room was opened slightly, giving you enough of a bad feeling not to go in there without some kind of precaution. Slowly, you pushed yourself back up to your feet and reached for the knife you kept tucked in the back of your jeans. You made your way over, taking cautious steps when you heard what sounded to be a whispering female voice. You didn’t take into consideration there might have been another bedroom located right next to the boys’, it was a small house after all. And it might have been Ruth’s. You discovered that a little too late. 

You pushed open the door, expecting to find the thing who killed Jack standing across from you, only it turned out to be someone else. You quickly whipped the knife behind your back when you realized it was in fact Ruth. She had been kneeling at her bed before you scared her. "I am so sorry." You quickly apologized to the woman at the accidental mishap, suddenly feeling like a fool for mistaking her whispering for something evil when it was in fact most likely a prayer from the rosary beads that was tight in her grip. "I thought I saw something in—”

"Like a ghost?" Ruth's presumption made you look at her a little funny, wondering how she managed to come up with that conclusion on her own. "Sonny told me you were old friends, but I know why you're really here. That's why I was praying for us."

"Praying for what?" 

"For the ghost that haunts this farm to leave." 

Rewrite Taglist:

@deansquirreljerkwinchester // @everything-i-tried-was-taken // @starswirlblitz // @supernaturalismydrug // @we-are-band-sexuals // @angiewinchestercas // @kaylinfayezink  // @owhatshername1 // @kgbrenner  // @cleo-is-my-doggy // @eeyore1988 // @dakota-dream // @lilylovelyxo // @timetravelingginger // @holahellohialoha //   @quicksilver123456 // @natashacamillas //@lexi-anastasia //@kaylinfayezink //  @deanwnchstr @albot-eh // @rashinyx2002 // @shellybeans //  @icantfindacreativeurl //  @becs-bunker // @oreosatmidnight // @bands-and-shietz // @fabulousmustachesonapolarbear // @clarewinchester // @releasethekracko // @alex-zeppelin // @mega-mrs-dean-winchester // @theskytraveler // @notmoose94 //@assassinofmasyaf // @caswinchester2000 // @savannah-m-99 // @sunlight-dean // @strayrosesbloom // @that-slytherin-over-there // @1000roughdrafts // @its-medeanwinchester // @simplyhemmings // @dream-believe-and-love // @that-winged-rat

Message me if you would like to be added!

[nordic-language-love]

Norwegian

Watched 2x Kveldsnytt broadcasts

Watched 1x Mummidalen episode

Watched 1x Ragnarok episode

Wrote 1x journal entry

Read 4x articles

60 minute italki lesson

Japanese

Duolingo: Food 2 and Food 3

Wrote 2x journal entries (1x handwritten, 1x typed)

JFZ: took grammar notes from chapter 7

Watched 1x Japanese Ammo with Misa + made relevant notes

Wrote sample sentences

Summary

All in all, I’ve not done a lot this week. I think I’m gonna take a short break from languages this coming week, just because I’ve been feeling a bit uninspired to study lately. I think I’ve got into a bit of a rut of doing the same things, so I’ll brainstorm some ideas of other ways I can study, other things I could be doing etc. Then hopefully I’ll come back refreshed next week and ready to study again :)

Norwegian

I’m back to feeling like I’m not really studying Norwegian at the moment, which I’d like to change. With Japanese it’s a lot easier because there’s so much to learn and so much to practise it’s overwhelming, but with Norwegian I feel like I just need to keep getting as much input as possible and doing my best to use the language. I’m writing in my journal a lot, but that doesn’t really push me to use new vocabulary. When I read articles I read about topics I’m interested in, and I already know 99% of the vocabulary in those articles. So I think I need to push myself to find things that are challenging for me if I want to improve.

Japanese

I watched a grammar video on linking adjectives with くて and で. There was a lot of vocabulary I didn’t know, so I noted some down as well as sample sentences. The grammar itself wasn’t too hard but I definitely need to work on my vocabulary more! I also did some N5 practice questions but I understood basically nothing. So I put it into google translate and realised I had previously learned most of the words, but I hadn’t committed them to memory, or they’d been written in hiragana when I’d learned the kanji and it didn’t click right away (weird how I can know the kanji and know how it’s pronounced, but I see that same word written in hiragana and I just blank lol). So I’ll brainstorm some ideas for learning vocabulary this week.

Other

I decided I wanted to start writing daily again and I’ve been doing just that and it feels amazing. It’s been a bit of a struggle but I’m so determined to keep it up. I’ve always defined myself as a writer but for the past few years I’ve barely written anything and it’s made me feel a bit lost and like I don’t know who I am or where I’m going. I still doubt I’ll publish a book anytime soon (so much for my plan to definitely publish a novel before I’m 30, but hey, it wasn’t the right time, and it’s not like I don’t have another 50+ years to published a novel if I want).

I managed to do some stretching a couple of times this week too. I didn’t do any other exercise because I felt so unmotivated, so I let myself just do the bare minimum. Sometimes the thought of having to do an extra 30 minutes strength training on top of stretching is just too much and then I end up doing neither. I figured it’s better to at least do one thing than nothing at all.

[dumbasscorn]

Exothermic : chapter ten

Amalthea vs the Fever

"God no, Uley. I just wanted you to stay the hell away from me if you're sick."

previous chapter 

987 words 

═ ∘♡༉∘ ═

Amalthea Swan had been a student at Forks High School for a week when she finally received her first weekend to herself. She no longer had any unpacking to do, having done that all throughout the week rather than the homework assigned.

It was a Sunday afternoon and Thea was burrowed under a blanket, watching a cartoon on tv as she nursed a bowl of strawberry ice-cream. Her thoughts were turned away from how Jerry would piss Tom off in the episode when she received a text message from Trevor Uley.

'Hey I feel like ass. I can't make it to school tomorrow. Just bring me the papers the teacher gives us for the project after school. I'll text you my address in the morning, my brain refuses to think.'

Thea groaned into her mouthful of ice-cream, replying to the text message with 'if i get your gross ass sickness i will be beating your ass.'

Trevor then spammed her phone with heart emoticons, clarifying at the end that all of them were absolutely necessary in order for his illness to be cured.

Locking her phone and throwing it on the cushion at the end of the couch she laid upon, Thea remembered that Uley wasn't feeling well on Friday and probably isn't lying so he can ditch school.

In history, Amalthea and Trevor sat in the back of the class, bickering quietly about whether or not she would attend Jackson's first game at the end of the month. Thea claimed she was a busy ass person, as Trevor argued that Son deserves his parents love and support! To which Mal knocked him on the back of the head, earning a scolding from the teacher who spoke about due dates for the project they had been assigned on Monday.

Once Mr. Huber turned back to the white board, Amalthea turned toward the Uley boy with her two brows pulled together.

Discreetly whispering toward his ear, she had asked why his head was so hot, and if he had a fever.

"Worried 'bout me, are we, Mal? Awe! I knew you cared!" Trevor spoke aloud, - which earned himself a detention from the teacher who seemed to run out of patience- hand on his heart as he frowned in adoration.

"God no, Uley. I just wanted you to stay the hell away from me if you're sick." Thea spoke just as loud, causing for the history teacher to purse his lips together so tightly that they started to go white.

"Detention! Both of you! All you do is talk, hush up and pay attention! This project will be a quarter of your grade. You need to focus. Considering you both are partners, I suggest you two face forward and quit speaking to one another until I tell you to do so. Next time I hear a peep out of either of you, you're out of the room!" Huber spoke harshly, face going beet red in irritation.

"Gotcha, teach'. Just for you, I'll ignore the buffoon." Amalthea nodded, aiming a thumbs up toward the agitated teacher.

"Buffoon? Buffoon! I am not a buffoon, Swan!"

The teacher glared at the two students who had caused for his classroom to erupt in laughter rather than listen to his teachings.

"Out! I'm done with dealing with this. The both of you get yours things and go! Come back Monday for the papers-- leave my classroom!" Mr. Huber harshly spoke at the two teenagers as they both pretended to be sad at the news of being ejected from the room.

The two students left a giggling classroom, silently thanking the other for getting them out of there.

So no, Amalthea did not think that Uley decided to fake an illness. She just hoped that Uley also texted Jackson, not wanting to deal with his worries when tomorrow arises.

Feeling a headache come on from the two pigtails that she put in after waking at eleven in the morning, - her uncle refused to let her first weekend free of school be spent sleeping - Thea released the hair ties from her head of hair.

Running her hands through the scalp of her black tendrils, the teen kept her eyes glued on the television that showed Tom chasing after Jerry in a haste.

Hearing the engine of a car cutting off, Thea sat prepared for her uncle to come inside the door. Charlie entered the threshold with a friend in tow.

Harry Clearwater followed his friend into his home, immediately seeing the mans niece lounging on a small couch in the living room. Spotting the elder that she had never before, Amalthea turned toward her uncle and tilted her head, "You've got friends?"

"Wow Thea, you're so hilarious I almost forgot to laugh." Charlie exaggeratedly smiled widely, gently pushing the girls head.

"Harry, this is my niece Amalthea. Amalthea, this is Harry Clearwater. We stopped by so I could get my fishing gear." Charlie introduced the two, attention on the equipment he was there to collect.

"Amalthea? You wouldn't happen to be the young girl Uley's brother made friends with, would you?" Harry inquired, grinning softly at the girl.

Thea immediately groaned outwardly, hanging her head.

"Sadly, I guess so." She sighed, pushing hair out of her eyes, and met the mans eye line, "He showed me around on Monday so in his eyes we are now - and I quote - besties."

Harry chuckled at the girl, inwardly pitying the teen for having to lose her new friend so soon.

Charlie walked back toward the two, gear in hand. "Kiddo we're gonna head on out. I'll be back in a couple hours, Bella should be upstairs. Call if you need me."

The uncle patted her head, looking into her doe shaped eyes as they shifted toward Harry. The tribe elder nodded toward her, biding her ado.

"See you later Uncle Charlie and Uncle Charlie's fishing friend. Don't drown!"

═ ∘♡༉∘ ═

I watched the Tom and Jerry movie a couple days ago, have any of you seen it?

My spring break starts on Thursday, so I’ll begin writing new chapters then (except I’m gonna watch new moon first for a refresher lols).

Btw.... we're finally getting into things. ;) Are you ready?

Tag list; @ivettt​ @jjpogueprincess​ @demigodslut​

If you would like to be added to the tag list, please send me an ask or message me! Do the same if you’d like to be removed. :)

masterlist 

[abduloki]

Superman and Lois Ep #1 *Spoilers*

I don’t normally share spoilers until a week after it’s out but I can’t contain my excitement watching it!

"When we were dreaming about having a family, it didn't look like this, did it. Didn't have lost jobs or teen with severe anxiety or parents gone too soon. No one ever dreams about the problems but every life has them. Even the extraordinary ones."

Behind the smile and strong image of an iconic superhero that everyone looks up to in times of need, lies a father who struggles in reaching out to his children, a son who fears about losing his ageing mother just as he lost his dad, a husband who tries his best to be a good man to his wife and a normal employee who just got laid-off after a new management takeover. 

Juggling between saving the world, his day job and his responsibilities to his family ain’t easy.

It's a realistic depiction of what it's like getting married to a superhero. It's not about flying to romantic destinations without a flying ticket. It's not about sharing the spotlight with a famous iconic superhero. It's not about having your children as superheroes as well.

It's about accepting that your partner will always be away saving the world. It's about keeping a low profile away from the media for a normal life. It's about wanting your children to have a normal life like everyone else. It's not as rosy as you would think it is where you can do anything you want.

I guess you could say, this is by far, the most relatable superhero on CW that I’ve ever watched that I am very impressed watching it. Everything is perfect, from the story-telling, the visual scenes, the dialogues, the soundtrack and for a second I thought I was watching a HBO series because it's the kind of quality that you would expect there that you do not see elsewhere and it's interesting that the real villain of the episode is a blood sucking corporate (Lex Luthor behind it perhaps?)

Anyway, I expected it to be as good as the first season of The Flash and Arrow but I daresay this exceeded my expectations as it’s different. I guess CW showrunners learn their lessons from the existing shows to make it better for the audience. To be honest, I kind of have a bit of a superhero genre fatigue but this is really refreshing to watch. And I can't remember the last time I smiled and cried in one episode.

It's really a different kind of drama than Flash, Arrow and Supergirl. I think I will view Superman differently now when I re-watch all the crossovers with Supergirl, Flash and Arrow. And I really hope his son, Jordan, do not become a “Brightburn”, God, please no. I'm gonna sue CW for causing emotional upheaval if that happens. XD

While I understand his reasoning in hiding is identity from his sons as he just wants them to feel normal like everyone else, without the stress and pressure of knowing that they're the sons of an iconic superhero that everyone looks up to or they might have powers that they never knew they have or know how to control or what to expect of them, but remember his cousin Kara and her friends Barry and Oliver? Hiding things from your loved ones always lead to disaster. ALWAYS.

I really hope to see Kara appear in one episode for a heart to heart talk about this. Times like this I wish Oliver is still alive, if there's one person who knows about training someone, it's him. I can picture him with Jordan with his "humorless" way of training if the soft approach of Clark doesn't work. 

And Tyler Hoechlin is amazing in this one as compared to his previous appearances in the crossovers which proves that it's not the actor but the script. He's like a mix of Christopher Reeve and Henry Cavill, he has the personality of Reeve and the looks of Cavill a little. You can feel his happiness when he smiles, his sadness when he frowns, his blank face when he's worried or confused. Tyler was right in the interview, it's the side of Superman we've never seen before that the producers want to bring forward to the audience.

Man, I'm definitely looking forward to more episodes! 

In the mean time, I'm going to listen to this Animated Superman Theme because it's what comes to mind watching it. 

[janeirl]

idk if it’s too much to ask but BESTIE can you pls give me a review for episode two as I need feedback smh 😔

YES BESTIE OFC i’ll do the best i can

(anyone who hasn’t read it and wants to read it scroll really fast bc this contains spoilers!!)

let me just start off by mentioning how consistent the attention to detail is?? it is never too overboard nor too little and it’s incredibly refreshing seeing writing that gives me the impression that it has a lot of heart and soul in it. like you can feel every emotion the characters are experiencing through the words, and it is so easy— for me at least —to picture just exactly what’s going on.

each character is focused on and not one is completely left in the dust; and i’m obsessed with how well lucas is written. you really hit the nail when it came to his personality and it is clear that he is conflicted with his position regarding the basketball team. we know jason and the other players are considered lucas’s “friends” (in quotes since we know it’s not necessarily true), so obviously there are gonna be and perhaps continue to be times where lucas defends them— and i really hope that he realizes soon enough that the party will always be there for each other despite the members all being in their own ruts. and every time i see mike refuse to acknowledge his growing confusion + feelings for will i want to SCREAM and that’s such a good thing; like the fact that i’m reacting like this means the script is so good to the point where it quite literally feels legit. max’s struggles at home and the rockiness of her and lucas’s relationship, with lucas doing the best he can to contribute is super nice to read and can allow readers to have more of an insight to how they interact alone post s2-3; thank you so much for highlighting the love they have for each other. nancy and robin bonding for the first time put such a huge smile on my face. them teasing each other, coming to terms with the disappearances might meaning something— it’s so, so realistic and entertaining. nothing is moving too fast nor too slow; the pacing is perfect— and i’m pretty sure it took me around 50 minutes to read, which i find impressive considering that’s the show’s usual episode length.

i want to focus on eddie for a second because..... omg. i am LOVING the way you characterize him and made him into such an enjoyable person to read about. every time i get to see his POV i get so excited !! his devotion to the club is exactly what i imagined when i first heard about him + the hellfire leaks, and i adore how he is so willing to protect dustin and mike from jason. i can feel the adrenaline and anger through the fight scene and it is definitely something i can genuinely see close to happening in season 4. it’s interesting to see eddie panic as everything unfolds before him, but his sarcasm and being a smart-alec gets the best of him, of course, as the basketball team begins to antagonize him.

will and el, by far, are so accurately written. el trying to contact hopper— and failing :( —is totally happening next season; along with the troubles at school, feeling lost + hopeless, and the subtle tension at their new home. i feel so bad for joyce, and my heart quite literally broke with the picture of hopper. and then jonathan and argyle??? their whole dynamic is to die for. argyle’s care-free lifestyle juxtaposition to jonathan’s normally stressed nature just clashes together sooo well. overall, when it comes to the byers’s situation, i can’t wait to find out how will handles the resurfacing upside down episodes. as for hopper’s situation.... oh boy...... FREE HIM YURI 🙏 if he tries anything suspicious i’m gonna scream n shout. ALSO the idea to make brenner the “american”??? chefs fucking kiss. i did not see that coming at all and it fits SO well. i wouldn’t be surprised if he’s been the “american” all along next season tbh.

i seriously have no complaints if i’m being honest. the best advice i could give as of currently is to make sure to proofread thoroughly enough to where there’s no grammatical errors. i really, really hope you continue to make scripts for stranger things 4, and maybe even make something of your own creation! your script writing is spectacular.

[happy-beeeps]

IDDD 5:Flashback

A/N: HEY GUYS I’M BACK! I’ve missed writing so much and I am happy to pick up with this series! We are cooking and cruising through season one so I can start getting to season 2, I’ve already got so many good ideas. This takes place during episode 5, so content warnings! 

Warnings: violence (light I don’t write action well) references to guns, space slavery, kidnapping (flashback) brief suggestion of SA (never overtly mentioned but it is there if you squint so please be careful!), me divering from canon. Angst with a good chunk of fluff at the end also sorry there’s a few Y/N uses because I genuinely don’t know what to put in place of a name

Summary: A bounty on Tatooine goes horribly wrong, leaving Din and reader to talk about their feelings and fears. Part 5 of my series!

* * * You hated being back in Tatooine. The air, the sand, the suns, everything about this planet made your skin crawl. You hadn’t told Mando about your past, there had never really been a great moment too, and now you were really wishing you had. “We just need to stop here for a few days. Get some repairs, maybe do a job, nothing too long.” he said as the system came into view.

“Ok, can we just make it quick, I hate it here.” “Seems like you have a vendetta against all sand planets.” “Not all. Just this one.” You murmured as you chewed on the fat of your lip uncomfortably. Not even the baby’s tiny hands and smile could distract you from the sick feeling in your stomach. “If you need repairs, I know someone here who’ll do it cheap. Just trust me.” Mando glanced over at you for a moment, before reaching out and placing a hand on your thigh. You felt the weight of his touch burn through your clothes. “Something’s off with you. You talk about it when you wanna talk about it. Just give me the coordinates for your friend.” You smiled at the gesture, then cautiously placed a hand on top of his. “I will, you deserve my story too.” He reciprocated the gesture with a gentle squeeze, and headed towards the coordinates of your friend.

* * *

When you stepped off the ship into the blistering sunlight of Tatooine, the only face who could put you at ease was Peli Motto. The older woman’s curly hair practically bounced as she and her crew of pit droids ran towards the Razor Crest. “Y/N!” She yelled, grabbing your elbows before embracing you tightly. “Hi Peli, I’ve missed you.” You sighed into her shoulder. Meanwhile behind you, Mando was causing a ruckus trying to shake the droids away from his ship. “Hey! No droids!” He yelled, causing Peli to give an exasperated sigh. “It’ll take longer for me to do, which’ll cost you.”

“Hey I’m here too, there's no ship you and I can’t fix together.” You said, jostling her shoulder. 

“Aw honey, it’s good to have to have you back.”

When Mando had set off to the cantina to get some leads on some work, you, the baby and Peli were doing the smaller repairs that the Crest required, and taking turns sipping what water you could in the cooler shade of Peli’s work space. “So, how long have you been traveling with the Mando?”

“A few months, he found me on Coruscant, he needed a translator and realized I’m kinda good at a lot useful things, so I’ve just sorta stuck around.”

“Mmm…” she said, before turning her attention to the baby wrapped in a sling around your torso. “And are you two… together? Is this baby yours?”

“Peli!” “Look, kid, all I’m saying is you leave me a few years back, slum it on Coruscant, then some big soldier in shiny metal knocks on your door? I’d have his baby too by now if I were you.”

“No no it’s not like that… The baby was rescued. He saved it from some kind of awful fate, it was a bounty.” “A bounty? But it’s a baby?” “Exactly, and now we're kind of on the run. Mando saved him. He’s… different.” She smiled back at the two of you before grabbing your shoulder. “Different is good for you I think. I think he’s good for you. C’mon, lets get some food started, he should be back with a job soon.”

* * *

You didn’t trust that young bounty hunter farther than you could throw him, and Mando has teased you about your lousy arm before. The bikes Mando and he took off in are shabby and unkempt, but his clothes are flashy and new. He’s overconfident and too chummy with your Mando, and the look you shared with Peli at the hanger solidifies you have every right to be nervous, everything about him seems off. “I can tell he cares about you two, because no one is that desperate to work with that kid for no reason. He wants to take care of you.”

“He knows I’d forfeit my salary in a heartbeat to keep things going here. I’m just happy to be with him.” “So you admit it, you admit you like him?” “I mean… I figured it was kind of obvious?” “He’s a man, and even more so, a man bound by honor. He’s gonna need some bait and switch or something. But you mean a lot to him, that much is obvious.”

“I just feel so helpless and I hate it. I mean, he goes on these crazy hunts and I stay behind when he doesn’t need me to translate. He trusts me to fly and help with repairs but sitting waiting makes me so nervous. I need to do something.” “Well, doesn’t he know you can defend yourself? I mean, you had a very tactical combat education.” “I just haven’t really found an easy way to slide that into conversation I guess. It’s hard to talk about,” you snuggle the child closer as he sleeps, face illuminated by the work lights in the small quarters in Peli’s home. “Being here is hard enough. And he knows, but he doesn’t know why. He knows I’m from Naboo, but not much else.”

“Well, stop thinking about if he comes back, and start thinking about opening up to him when he does.” She turns over on her cot and turns the light off, leaving you alone with your thoughts on the threadbare blanket on the cool clay floor.

* * *

“Morning sweetheart.” Says a masculine voice you can place, though you’re not sure why. Your eyes flutter open to reveal the face of the bounty hunter from the previous evening, pointing a blaster both at you and Peli. The baby clings tightly to your tank top, and you pull the fabric sling around your chest as tight as you can. Everything about this makes you feel like you did last time you were in Tatooine, from the way he’s eyeing you to the barrel of the blaster in your face. “I’m going to get up, and pick up my baby, I have no weapon on me.” You say, as calm as you can. There’s a slip of the queen’s voice in there, something meant to give you peace in a threat, and you wish it worked for you now that you’re not a scared little girl in Naboo. “Just get up, both of you, and come with me. We’re gonna sit in that ship and have a little chat while we wait for Mando to show up. Funny, bounty never said anything about your pretty face in the listing.”

It feels like years before Mando arrives but you know it can’t be longer than a few hours. The sound of the speeder bike roars through the empty hanger and you can hear the heavy thud of his feet as he barrels in. “There we go ladies, nice and easy, just like we practiced.” Calican says as he shoves you and Peli to your feet, blasters pointed at both of your temples. “Took you long enough Mando!” He says as he grabs the child from your hands. “Looks like I’m calling the shots now.” You’ve managed to be strong for so long, channeled every bit of training you’ve had, every blow you’ve been dealt from your years in servitude on Tatooine, but the sight of him finally here, and there seems to be nothing he can do, pushes you to the brink. Silent tears spill over from your eyes and Calican takes notice of this, shoving Peli forward “Cuff him,” he says and she grumbles towards him, shaking with every step. “When I turn you and the kid in Mando, I’m thinking of keeping your girl for myself, she’s so very pretty, and so loyal too. What was it you said doll, you’d ‘rather die than give anything up about Mando?’ They don’t make girls like this on Tatooine anymore that's for sure.” With this statement, whatever Peli had just been whispering to him is forgotten, as he stares straight at Calican. “If you put a hand on her, there won’t be a single safe spot left for you in the galaxy.”

“Bringing you in won’t just make me a member of the guild buddy… it’ll make me legendary.” With this he raises his blaster square with Mando’s head, but a quick flashbulb is enough to throw him off. He shoots his blaster in every direction he can while you try and wrestle for the baby. Finally, Mando comes around a corner and lands a shot square in his chest. You grab the baby before he tumbles over and crouch on the ramp of the ship.

“Oh that must have been so loud for your big old years!” Peli says as she and Mando run towards you. “Are you alright he asks”, grabbing your arms and squeezing tight. “I’m-I’m fine Mando. Really.” “Yeah I had a gun to my head but no worries, I’m fine too.” Peli exclaims, and you stifle a laugh before walking up to hug her. “If I’m back on this planet, something is seriously wrong.” you say, and she sighs as she pulls away from the hug. “Well then, in that case, I hope I never see you again. Take care of yourself kid, ok?” “Yeah, you too Peli.”

* * *

The water of the refresher feels icy down your back, and stings on the cuts and bruises you didn’t realize Calican had left. Your skin feels foreign, weird, like it isn’t yours anymore, and you wish you could crawl out of it. You pull yourself out of it when there's a soft rap at the door of the fresher. You crack your head out and see a gloved hand holding a stack of clean clothes. “Hey uh, I grabbed you some clothes to change into, and the ship is in hyperspace. Maybe, if you’re up for it, I’d like to talk when you’re out?”

“Yeah, yeah I’ll be out in a second. Thank you for this.” You say with a soft smile, before shutting the door again. You pull on the pants, and the shirt which feels a bit too big and soft to be yours, and beam a little bit when you realize it’s one of his. You step out of the refresher and Mando is sitting on the floor, every blanket is pulled from his bed and the little cot you sleep on, and you clamber into the cocoon beside him. He reclines against the wall and you snuggle yourself into his arm, head on his chest, before sighing a bit of relief. “I’m gonna turn the lights in here off, because I want to talk to you with my real voice. Can I trust you to not look?” You murmur a yes and are greeted with that mechanical hiss that happens when he takes off his helmet, which is quickly becoming one of your favorite sounds. “It’s almost like that night on Sorgan,” you sigh thinking back to the starlit night and warm beds of Sorgan. Those stolen kisses and breathy touches seem like ages ago now. He laughs a little at this before pressing his cheek onto your head. “Yeah, just like Sorgan…. Listen, Y/N, I’m sorry for what happened there. I should’ve been there I could’ve,” “Mando, you did nothing wrong, it’s really okay-”

“No it isn’t, you don’t like Tatooine to begin with and I left you alone and defenseless.” “Listen Buckethead, I can take care of myself usually,” you say with a laugh, and it earns some kind of chuckle from him, “but sometimes stuff like this happens. It turned out okay today so don’t take it personally. I feel like I owe you an explanation on all this though,”

“You don’t owe me anything Y/N,”

“I know I know but you trust me everytime we kiss with your whole livelihood essentially, and I want you to feel safe in knowing I can protect myself too, ok? Do you mind if I talk about my past for a little bit?” “Only if you’re okay with it.”

“Okay…” you sigh, and are placed at ease by the feeling of his lips on your head. “I was born in Naboo, and from a young age parents can choose to send their daughter to the Handmaiden’s Academy. Very prestigious, fancy school where you train to be a Handmaiden for the Queen of Naboo. Of course, not everyone gets to be a Handmaiden, so we're trained in combat, makeup, dress, diplomacy, manners, and whatever else we may need, and are encouraged to specialize in a skill to make us marketable outside the academy. I chose language. After some time, when I was 12 I think, we were attacked by some pirates, who grabbed as many of us as they could and sold us into slavery. I was enslaved on Tatooine for nearly 10 years, before my master freed us all and fled the planet when his debt became too high. I was homeless and lost, hurting and ripped of my identity, and I found Peli. She trained me to be a mechanic and I worked with her, before Greef Karga found us. He was looking for someone to help with his final bounty before he oversaw the Guild, and needed a linguist. His price was cheap, help him and he would set me up nicely on Coruscant. And lo and behold, another guild hunter comes to my aid only a few years after that.”

The silence in the ship hangs there for a few minutes, and in this moment you’re appreciative that the Mandalorian let you monologue, you don’t know if you would get through it if you’d taken any longer. The first words that come out of his mouth are, “close your eyes.” You do as you’re told and greeted with the softest kiss he has ever given you, like he’s trying to kiss your pain away. His lips find themselves on your neck, cheek, forehead, collarbone, lips again, nose, anywhere he can. He kisses the tears away you didn’t realize were falling. 

“I never would have made you go back there I’m, I’m so sorry Y/N.”

“No, no Mando it’s alright it’s-”

“Din.” “What?” “It’s Din. My name. It’s Din Djarin. I want you to have it, you gave me a piece of you, so take this.” “I… I don’t know what to say? Thank you for trusting me, Din.” You say, swirling the name across your tongue. You like the way it tastes in your mouth, it’s short and sweet and to the point, like him. “Din,” you say again, before feeling your way to place a kiss on his cheek. “Din,” you whisper again before kissing his forehead. “Di-” you barely get out before he presses his lips to yours once more, and you’re smiling into the kiss. When you finally pull away, he smooths the sides of your hair down. You're grateful your eyes are shut, you're positive, you look a mess.

“Y/N, you mean more to me than you’ll ever know. I don't know what we're doing with the kid, or with any of this, but I’m glad to do it with you by my side.” You lay your head back on his chest at this, and sit like this for a while before the baby starts to shift in his sleep. Din places his helmet back on and the lights flicker on with it. “By the way, I have to say, I like you in my clothes.” He murmurs, before cupping your cheek and slowly making his way up to the cockpit.

Kriff, wherever he goes, you’re sure to follow.

[sunarintoes]

Dear Whovever: [Kenma]

Synopsis: You and Kenma are both best friends and youtube gamers however you want to be more than just best friends so you decide to ‘man up’ one day and write a heart felt confession in a minecraft notebook before then putting it in Kenma’s personal chest.

WC: 3K

TW: slight swearing :)

[Episode one]

[recording in 3… 2… 1… start!] 

“Hey gamers, Kodzuken here with Tulip-but-make-it-yellow! I've done a few Minecraft videos with Tulip before, but thought I'll start a new series that will be posted every Monday.”

“It's called Minedays with Tulip and Kodzu”

“I- no, Tulip. I'm not sure what we’re gonna call it. But you guys will know- obviously since it's the title of this video.”

You whine and pout into the monitor, “Kodzu I think Minedays is a cute name.” 

Instead of replying Kenma rolls his eyes and hits you ingame. “Should we introduce the challenge and get it started?”

“Yeah that's a good idea!” 

“Well, it's about eleven am right now, we have until eleven pm to build a Minecraft house from a random topic,” he pauses and moves to the side to point to a sectioned spinwheel, “on this bad boy,” whacks the spinner, “we have eight different themes, in a sec I’ll spin it and whatever it lands on will be what we have to build.”

You let out a high pitched ‘hmm,’ “I feel bad for Kuroo and Hinata, they’re both going to have to edit twelve hours of footage down to 10 minutes!”

Kenma chuckles, “fifteen minutes actually.”

This time you roll your eyes. “Hurry up and spin it you fool! I want to get buildinggg” 

Smiling, Kenma moves back a bit and spins the wheel, after thirty seconds full of anticipation the wheel finally stops and its small arrow is pointing at- “Yes! Cottage core theme!” you yell out while Kenma groans. 

“Really? That's lame why couldn't we have ‘Lucifer’s Bedroom’?” 

You poke your tongue out to the monitor - which Kenma could see, after all, you are in a Discord call with him. “Don't be sad just because you're prancing in my turf…. Looooooser!”

Kenma playfully glares towards you, “You’re on! See you in twelve hours!”

Unfortunately, the difficulty of building a cottage core house in the woods - in survival mode, proved more difficult than planned. 

“We spawned in a desolate area huh? Barely any flowers!” you hear Kenma make a sound of agreement as you sink into your comfortable ‘gamer’ styled chair. 

“Don't tell me you've given up? Just because you can't find any flowers?” 

You scowl at his cocky tone however your mood does a one-eighty when you suddenly get a good idea. “Ok everyone! I know what I have to do! I'm going to restart in another place because this isn’t working!”

Kenma makes a sound of surprise, “you're restarting? It's been an hour already-”

“Yeah and we have, like... eleven more.” Kenma sighs in response, “better get a move on.”

For the most part, the two of you kept quiet - not wanting to let the other know how well you were doing. However one look at your phone only to see that your twitter has blown up, you decide to take a short break, after all it has been four hours of you sitting on your ass playing Minecraft. Once you open Twitter you're met with a barrage of tags and mentions - all of which screaming ‘KenYn’ and ‘Kodzutulip.’ You felt heat rise to your face, you - yes you, Ln Yn with the online alias Tulip-but-make-it-yellow, has a big, fat, humongous crush on your best friend and fellow youtuber - Kenma, aka Kodzuken aka the cutest guy in the world. To make it worse - or better, you couldn't really tell, was that many of your viewers shipped you with him - as did his viewers. 

You are of course, happy with this but you can’t help but wonder if Kenma feels the same way, does he feel weirded out by all this shipping content? Does he find it uncomfortable? Does he find it unsettling to be shipped with his in-real-life best friend?

“Hey Yn?” Kenma calls softly, “you've been looking at your phone for the past ten minutes and your face looks sad.”

You instantly look up to meet Kenma’s face and try to find the right words to say, “I… I’m just kinda tired and eventually got distracted!! Sorry Kenken!”

Kenma visibly cringes at the old nickname - the one you gave him in primary school, “if you say so… better get your head in the game though - my mansion looks epic.”

Your eyes narrow, “mansion? The theme is cottage core!” Kenma quietly chuckles in response, “a mansion can still have a fairy aesthetic, you should know that”

You huff in faux annoyance as you place your phone away and ‘get your head in the game’ just as he requested. “Be prepared to be crushed! I am the cottage core guardian!”

There are ten minutes left to your’s and Kenma’s excruciatingly long Minecraft challenge, your ass hurts from sitting on it for almost twelve straight hours - including bathroom breaks. When the buzzer rings the two of you step back from your respective buildings and make your way to the starting point - which had been marked by a stack of 20 or so dirt blocks. 

“Well that was twelve hours of eye straining torture,” you say as you stretch your arms. 

“You're tired already?”

“Kinda… I can't wait to go to sleep after this.”

“Weak, I’m playing Battlefield as soon as this is over.”

You roll your eyes and scoff, “this is why you look like a living corpse in the morning…”

Kenma looks you dead in the eyes and with a completely serious face he says, “yeah but you love it.”

You choke on your spit at his boldness, “y-yeah I guess.” 

If you were being honest, you were not the best at reading people and it was dark in Kenma’s gaming room, the only light coming from his three screen/monitor computer setup, but you think you see a light blush creep up to his cheeks. And you hate it, you hate when he says things that make your heart flutter, you hate it when he just sits there and the digital glow accentuates all of his delicate features, but what you hate most is yourself. You hate yourself because you have fallen in love with your best friend, you hate yourself because you know he doesn't like you back and you hate that you continuously give yourself a sense of false hope. 

“Yn… you want to stay up and game with me don’t you? ”

You sheepishly look to the side, ‘mayhaps.’

Kenma sighs looking at you with a soft face as he whispers “then I won’t play Battlefield and I’ll go to bed and so will you, ‘kay?”

You smile tiredly at him, “sounds like a deal.”

“We'll get back on at the same time tomorrow and we’ll do the final part of this video - the reveal. Until then.”

You smile and wave at the camera “cya soon~”

[recording over]

After your call with Kenma ended you got ready for bed but for some reason, no matter how tired you were, you just couldn't fall asleep - your mind was screaming obscene ideas that you couldn't help but contemplate. At first it was just wishful thinking but then came a thought that refused to leave, ‘confess.’ 

It was a tempting thought, but how? Surely you couldn't just say ‘hey Kenma I've liked you since high school lets date!’ yeah no, that was a horrible idea. Maybe if you confessed with some originality he would be more likely to accept but for now, you were going to do your best to go to sleep.

[Episode two]

[recording in 3… 2… 1… start!] 

In the morning you woke up feeling refreshed and excited for the day to come, Kenma had texted you and asked if you were feeling up to recording the reveal from last night and episode two today and of course you said yes. 

The video goes on without any troubles and soon you find yourself staring at the computer screen at eleven once again. 

“Remember to like, subscribe and comment below on who you think won this round.” Kenma’s voice is soothing - if you had to describe it you would say that it is silky like honey and smooth like dark chocolate; or maybe you would just say his voice is perfect. Kenma waves to the screen monitor, “hello? Earth to Yn! Are you dead or something? You look like a zombie.”

It takes a while to register, you weren’t really paying attention to the words he said as you were more interested in the way he sounded. You sit up and smile into the camera, “I'm awake… thanks for caring!”

He scoffs and swivels in his chair a bit, “I don't care about you, you're just my idiot best friend and flatmate.”

You playfully narrow your eyes, “well this idiot flatmate of yours helped you bake apple pie so you wouldn’t starve to death!”

“Hmmm, I guess. Well I'm going to head off. I'll see you later.”

You smile softly, “yeah I'll see you later, i'm just gonna stay on for a while.”

Kenma looks at you with an intrigued expression, “you're going to stay up longer? Better not be in this world, that's cheating. Want me to stay up with you?”

You roll your eyes and giggle, “it's all good I want to fix my house up in the other world. I'll see you tomorrow.”

He sighs, “if you say so.”

[recording over]

Your chair rolls back as you stretch, “maybe I should confess to him through a Minecraft journal…” you jump up. “Thats it! Thats a great way to confess! Its original and Kenma would appreciate it…. If he accepts my feelings that is…” 

You groan and slump back down into the chair, “maybe it’s best if I don't confess at all. No! I've wanted to do this for years! If he doesn't like me back it's all good! Maybe I just won't do this on a stream!”

You reach over to the bench and pull up your phone, “who to call, mmm ok let’s call Alisa I’m going to need some emotional support!”

“Hey gamers, Kodzu here in another Minecraft live stream, today we’re just in mine and Yn’s regular world and i'm going to build a house - a cottage to be specific,” he pauses and looks at the comment section; ‘no Yn isn't here right now, no Yn won't be joining this video, no I didnt know shes streaming at the moment, yes my favourite food is apple pie, yes I have a calico cat, no Yn is not my significant other, yes we are just friends.’ Kenma moves back and takes a breath, “wow you guys sure are interested in Yn huh? Maybe I should get them in more videos, might get more views that way,” he laughs a bit.

“Let's start off by heading to my base, I have the materials I’ll need there- oh uh what's this?” Kenma pauses as he stares at the foreign object, “I don't remember having a written book in my chest… maybe Yn went in here and put it in?”

Kenma stares at the book for a while before he opens it, only to be shocked. The comment section notices the blush on his face and continue to spam him with questions:

[kodzusbabe]: what's in that diary!!

[Kenmastan]: hahAAAHHA LOOK HE’S SO RED IN THE FACE

[piefacecutie]: ^^ omg you're so right @/Kenmastan hes so cute 💓

[Kenmaxyn]: I hope it's a confession!

[ynhater]: @/Kenmaxyn from who? Cause I didn't do it and I'd be the only one for Kenma oppAr

[kennismaken]: I hope it’s Yn! They’d be such a cute couple

[applepudding]: umm? Kodzu! Why did he get up and leave??

[ynhater]: babe come back!

[Kenmaxyn]: OMG MAYBE IT WAS YN !!!!

After your late night call with Alisa, you decided it would be best to just do it and then ignore Kenma for the day - well, not ignore him per se, just simply decline all his Discord calls and Facetime calls so you could put off being rejected a little while longer. You woke up with a throbbing headache that you could only blame yourself for, after all you are the dumbass who stayed up until God knows when just to write a heartfelt confession. Eventually the angst of waiting for a message from Kenma overwhelmed you and here you are now; streaming Overwatch to get your mind off of a certain someone.

“Ah no! Cant believe that stupid Hanzo got me! What a pain!” you frown at the screen and let out a sigh, “the round is over… bummer. Well while we wait an eternity for the next round I guess I should answer some of your questions… oh? I didn't know Kenma was streaming, no I’m not dating him… “ you feel your heart sink as you read the next comment; “what do you mean Kenma ran away after reading a book? Was he unhappy?”

The next moments felt like a blur, your heart was heavy and you felt tears well up in your eyes and somehow you missed the sound of someone breaking into your apartment and then your bedroom. Within a second you feel someone wrap their arms around you from behind, your body tenses up but immediately relaxes when you recognise the perpetrators scent; sweet yet salty, like caramel toffee.

“Kenma! W-what are you doing?”

“I like you too… I have for so long.”

Your eyes widen and it doesn't take too long for a smile to appear on your face, “I'm so glad to hear that.”

You feel him smile into your neck as his embrace tightens, “finish up your livestream so we can talk please.” 

“You don't need to tell me twice!”

It is eleven at night once again, but this time you’re not sitting alone in your gaming chair, instead you're sitting on Kenma’s lap - in his gaming chair as he slowly runs his hands through your hair and softly kisses your neck.

“So everyone’s pretty much freaking out over us huh?” you hum in response, “we’ve been officially together for what? Five hours?”

“Correct you are.”

You smile and hold up your phone while you continue to cuddle into him, “smile baby, I want the whole world to know that you're my player two.”

[Bonus - the love letter]

Dear Kenma,

This must be so strange - finding a journal in your chest. 

I have wanted to tell you this for quite a while and I guess I have never found the write words to say; or the right way to for that matter,

But I love you

I have loved you since our first year at Nekoma

It's been a while hasn’t it?

I'm sorry if this inconveniences you, makes you uncomfortable or makes you never want to see me again; 

Just let me continue for a little while longer because I need to get this off of my mind.

I love your smile - especially the rare one where you really smile, where your eyes crinkle and your cheeks begin to hurt 

I love your voice - it’s smooth and silky, like honey being spread across bread

I love your scent - it reminds me of salted caramel,  I can never get enough 

I love your mind - the way it works to make me laugh, make me calm and all else

I love your lips - not necessarily in a sexual way, but more so in the way you talk and speak, they move softly and slowly in a way only your lips could move in.

I love your body - how although you're hunched most of the time you still possess a fine elegance in the way you move. How at times it reminds me of a graceful swan floating down a lake. 

I love your hands - they are so pretty and dainty and soft, I want to hold them all day and all night

And most of all;

I love you

I love you in your entire

I could go ahead and pick the parts I love most and least but then you would no longer be you

I love you in your entire

Flaws and all

I know this may not be the most romantic, especially considering you’re reading this through Minecraft and I've never done this before but I had to let you know

Love 

Yn

Taglist: [open] @ladyrenart

note: sooo this is another style that i tried and i have mixed feelings about it :) also if you can’t tell,,, i’ve never written a love letter before :’)

[sanstropfremir]

ok alright alright alright kingdom episode two

kinda disappointed that they only showed half the stages, but that's just an editing thing to draw out the content so you can air for longer, i'm not super surprised about that. i would have liked to evaluate them all at the same time, but at least this gives me time to go more in depth for all of them since they're full stages this time and I wrote 3000 words for last episode when they only had 100 secs. so this format will probably keep me sane for longer, i think. 

solid stages all round for them, none had especially glaring flaws on the whole. i'm not gonna do a full ranking for this episode since we haven't seen them all, but i will say that btob’s was my favourite from this set and both ikon’s and tbz’s stages were about equal; they both had things i liked and disliked in equal measure so i'm tentatively giving them the same ranking. full opinions and analysis on each stage below the cut, plus another section of general notes because hey what the fuck did you do to that stage mnet???

and for anyone that’s wondering yes i do have the qualifications. also seriously grab a drink or something because this is LONG.

some general notes

and here i thought this section wouldn't be as big as it was last time because mnet was going to get their shit together about the stage design, but noooooooooooo they had to go and make it worse! thanks mnet i hate it! remember how i said you shot yourself in the foot last time? well ya fuckin kneecapped yourself AND all your idols with this one ya dumb fuckin idiots. alright folks welcome back to stage design 101, my recurring segment where i explain the different types of stage layouts and their effectiveness for kpop idol survival shows, i guess.

ok so last week i covered the basics on theatre in the round and traverse staging, which i’ll link here if there’s anyone new or just wants a refresher. i mentioned that its likely that mnet will switch to an in the round style staging because it offers a lot more freedom for camera movement and also for directional blocking. well, i was wrong. so i'm gonna give you a quick rundown of prosceniums. a proscenium, proscenium arch, or just prosc, is an architectural feature that sits around the front ‘opening’ of the stage that delineates the stage from the audience. if you've ever been in or seen any pictures of old european style theatres it can be quite ornately decorated with scrolling, but it's almost always there in most western theatres. it basically provides your ‘wings,’ which are where you exit off into to get offstage, they provide cover from the audience sitelines. pretty much any theatre where the audience is directly opposing the stage across the 180 degree line is a proscenium stage, even if it doesn't physically have the arch. hell, movie theatres are prosc stages. now, there's a secondary architectural feature/device called a false proscenium, where you set a second, smaller archway inside the first prosc, usually done for a specific effect. think of it like a literal framing device; it's often used to visually signify that ‘this is a play, we are telling a story, please be aware that this is a play thank you.’ but sometimes, it can be a semi-permanent structure that’s set in place to narrow the prosc opening. we had this at my university, there was a false prosc set just inside the actual prosc because the stage had a hilariously big prosc opening for a university that never had casts larger than 24 people. so they set false prosc in to make the stage slightly narrower and to widen the wings, because it doesn't matter what size theatre you're in, you always need more wingspace. makes sense? ok, now here’s a very quick drawing of what i'm pretty sure the kingdom stage looks like:

before you get lost: stage directions are oriented to a person standing on the stage, hence SL and SR being reversed. a quick tip for remembering which way is upstage and which is downstage: if you go too far downstage you fall down (most stages are raised between 2-4’ from the floor, so if you step off the end you will actually fall.) the arrows on here signify the entrances i observed during the performances, which is not necessary in this explanation but i just thought it was interesting to note. still not entirely sure what the surrounding architecture is but it appears that the stage is a raised platform inside a room, and not actually built as part of the building. the ‘house’ is just a technical term for where the audience is, and in this case it's where it looks like most of the film crew and the producers/staff are. there’s pretty clearly a platform upstage centre, and i think there may be some others but i don't care about those right now. what i want to talk about is this dumbass false prosc they set IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE. now i suspect that they did this to solve some problems that they could have had that i don't know about, since i don't know who the stage designer was and what the actual limitations of the space are. but basically they've built two stages and stacked them on top of each other to create one very deep stage, and then separated it off with a false prosc in order to control the size of the space a little better, and possibly to add some visual interest. this stage is functional for its purpose, absolutely, and i think, if mnet actually gave a shit about point of view and camerawork, it could produce some really interesting performances. however, because this stage is so deep, it kind of has the same properties as the traverse stage from before, but just with some big led screens in the middle for reasons. you extra have to pay attention to the directionality because you have all the staff and cameras concentrated in one specific cardinal point, so you have to get creative if you want to crossover between the two sides frequently. again, this is not necessarily bad; restrictions often produce some of the most creative decisions.  but! we have not seen a lot of consideration for camera and sightlines and audience pov, hence why i think this setup is dumb: it’s not facilitating the best performances it could.

ok now to the actual performances

btob

this is my favourite of the group because it's very clean lined and utilizes a few simple devices to pretty good effect. i realize these reviews are making me sound like i only like simple performances but i promise this is not at all true i'm just very critical and very picky. let’s start with the costumes, because why not. 

costumes

i like these very much, i love modernized traditional clothing in all forms, and these are very well tailored and well coordinated. they do the bulk of the work establishing the theme for the performance, along with the costumes on the backup dancers. personally i would have liked them to be a bit more colourful, à la the teal detailing that was on minhyuk’s final look. i'm getting a bit tired of the whole trend of having groups only wear all dark or all white, or maybe sometimes red if they're feeling spicy. obviously uniform colour is the easiest way to tie a group together visually, but on a show like this i think the groups would actually benefit more from looking distinct from each other internally rather than establishing the group as whole.

i liked that minhyuk had a costume change but i didn't really care for how it was how it was broken down. this is a very personal quibble because i literally have spent years prepping quickchanges but the method it broke down wasn’t the most visually compatible with the garment and felt kinda clunky. please ignore this anecdote it's just me being picky.

set

i loved the forest! a very excellent way to divide the stage area and obscure the weird stage lines/architecture that mnet has made. plus the snow, flowers, and fog? makes a really sharp and immediately indicative atmosphere, a very good use of visual shorthand to establish place.

i didnt love the screens, they reminded me a bit too much of rolling whiteboards from grade school, but they are thematically relevant. also, i feel like we didnt actually get to see about half the choreo for them? fuckin mnet and idiocy again. fun use of rear projection with the dancers’ shadows, and also good use of them to direct traffic, if you will. 

personally i think that the sheet gimmick from tbz’s performance would have been a better fit here instead of the screens, especially since the fabric motif was already established at the very beginning of the performance. plus you can do some really fun shadow work with a stretch fabric screen. 

personally i think there could have been a little bit more integration between the forest area and the screen area, or they could have done the whole thing in the forest space, but that would require a bit more consideration of camera and choreo maneuverability

sound

really liked this arrangement, obviously the song is iconic but they added a more traditional instrument sound. has good structure for the loose narrative that they had and they were well to label this as ‘theatre’ version because this did follow very closely to a traditional musical theatre sound and style

lighting

no complaints. the overall theme for this episode is apparently blue and red? again with them i like their dedication to a limited colour palette and i especially like the blossoms at the climax

staging

there was pretty clear camera choreo and a minimum of nausea inducing moves. i think some of the effectiveness of the staging got chopped by the editing but that’s not really btob’s fault.

i was just saying i wanted them to give minhyuk some time to shine, i was not expecting to get it so soon! this is a very smart choreo that proves you can be interesting without doing a lot of tricking. minhyuk obviously did a lot of practice and work with that sword, his movements are very fluid and he knows how to handle it. and it looks like its either a blunted proper blade or a correctly weighted replica. a lot of the times when sword choreo looks fake it's because the person either hasn't had enough practice or the weapon is not weighted/weighted incorrectly. only complaints are that you would never hold your fingers/palm that close and un-anchored over the edge of the blade, which is just a safety thing. also you would never scrape your blade on the ground like that, nor toss the thing like dead fish but that's a respect thing with a live blade and this is clearly done for dramatic effect so i’ll forgive it. please ignore this anecdote also it’s just my third dan getting uppity.

ikon

costume/set

smart thematically to go with the sort of miscellaneous 30s-40s (western) aesthetic because it's the fastest way to make it look like you built a theme with mnet’s weird pseudo art deco nonsense they've inexplicably got going on in the set dec. however, they should have stuck the theme all the way through, it would have been more visually cohesive and more interesting. we expect more hiphop/electronic sounding songs to come with these kinds of 4th gen costumes, it would have been anachronistic in a fun way to have them do that second half in 40s style suits. here’s a performance from sdc3 that uses that kind of anachronistic play (this was a combo stage with two ballroom dancers and it has a 20s aesthetic but close enough.) also here’s another routine from sdc3 that does a similar effect on a much more abstract scale, and also it’s a fucking incredible performance and it got slept on by the captains. also yes i know these are incredibly experienced career dancers but they way they construct narrative within their routines and their stage presence is SO GOOD. 

do not speak to me about the backup dancers costumes, holy shit i hate them. i hate them so much. how do you manage to hit too shapeless AND too fitted in the same fell swoop? i'm so mad at these. i'm neutral on bodycon dresses on the best of days but these were absolutely the wrong choice for this stage. generally kpop has abysmal costuming for female backup dancers on the whole but this is just like.....especially lazy. the point of the costume are to help give an indication of where and when you set your performance. they started off with a vaguely 40s theme and then jumped abruptly modern. why? also skirts like that are the literal worst choice for dancing in, hello?? the men’s looks are just sloppy, when you have a garment that big you want it to serve a purpose within the choreo, whereas with this it's just hiding the dancers’ movements.

as for ikon themselves, see everything ive said about black on black on black styling in the previous two reviews. 

the actual set is minimal and that's tragic. i mentioned mnet’s weird art deco theme and it was smart of them to try and play off that with a lack of stuff. definitely a mismatch of stuff pulled from yg’s prop storage, but they made it work as well as they could. no other meaningful comments i’m just kinda sad about it.

sound

the arrangement is fine, no complaints from me. they keyed up the old hollywood style musical theatre sound in the beginning which i really liked. i didn't mind the song/tone switch, i think they pulled it off.

staging

same as btob they learned more towards a theatrical style, which is smart for this particular format of show. i think this was the smartest staging of these three, and also i think the only ones to not get the crew in shot.

despite seemingly leaning into a more old hollywood style the narrative was a bit too loose for my taste. i'm not sure what i would have done to make it clearer at this moment since they had so little to work with, but i did get by on my previous knowledge of the songs. that shouldn’t be the only indication of narrative though! all elements need to support it!!

also like btob they had a pretty intentional point of direction and there weren't a crazy amount of spins. they also used the camera cuts the most effectively that i've seen so far. the first half is actually all in one take!!! incredible!!! thank you!!!! this is how you do it!!

the lighter flick gimmick was well pulled off and a good example of how to use a couple of simple tricks to good effect.

ikon as a whole has really great stage chemistry with each other, and they're extremely cohesive performers. this is a really strong physical performance from them, the dance was very solid and clean. good use of levels without verging into acrobatics. this might be the best group choreo i've seen so far, but we’re not very far so that's not a very high bar to clear.

it's a shame they had the budget of 1 banana.

tbz

i liked this stage better than their intro stage, but i still think they have a long way to go and they're still over ambitious. personally i find stages based on specific pop culture properties to be kind of twee and ineffectual, because it requires a specific knowledge of that pop culture property to work. sometimes the specificity can help with a narrative but you're at risk of alienating a larger portion of your audience out of sheer non-knowledge than anything else. 

costumes

again, interesting garments physically, but not much clarity of relation to the theme other than the colour. also the backup dancers???? another case of backup dancers being from an entirely different stage, what is up with those coats/dresses? looked more like they belonged in either sweeney todd or a vampire movie. 

hands in front of the camera again, but these were used much more effectively.  i'm not the biggest fan of mixing metals and i’m partial to silver on the whole so i didn't love the jewelry, but at least it was vague and stereotypical enough to denote ‘fire magic’ even if it does rely on a derivative middle eastern shorthand.

set

the stage set itself is fine, although definitely feels a bit haphazard to me. doric columns and frozen rocks and whatever that cover for the pyrotechnics was at the front, combined with the candles and the chaise lounge? like ikon, it felt a bit like they were pulling out of the props/set storage. not that all these things do not work together, it's just that you need a thread to tie them together, and this didn't have that for me.

sound

it's a crime they have a song called ‘no air’ and its not a jordin sparks cover. just saying.

i didnt really like this arrangement, again like their intro stage it didn't have a strong structure that suited the narrative, because they were pretty clearly trying a narrative on this one. also were most of the adlibs playback? they were singing live but there were so few shots of anyone specific singing. 

lighting

probably the weakest of the three. the projection design was a bit too tacky for me, and although i appreciated the small amount of variety in colour, it felt way too concert-lighting for me.

staging

the editing on this stage is wack and did no one any good. the hands leading/pov was a really smart device and they should have stuck out the one takes like ikon did, it would have made the whole stage feel a bit more cohesive. a lot better directional camerawork from them this time around, well done. again with the hands in front of the camera gimmick which i actually preferred this time, since they were a part of the narrative. the stretch/silhouette fabric i think they pulled off quite well, even if it didn't really fit thematically with the piece. i actually worked on a show a very long time ago that used this exact same effect with dancers and also rear shadow projection, and it requires a lot of rehearsal and trust to pull off well, so props to them. i think it was the wrong choice because there isn't an established motif for the fabric, so it kind of appears out of nowhere for one specific visual moment and then disappears, and i think that time could have been better served for something else narratively relevant.

again, these 4th gen groups are overly focussed on gimmicks as a way to make up for the lack of experience. personally i think this will be detrimental in the long run, and a reliance on gimmicks means that you don't trust your performers. tbz have the manpower to be doing some pretty cool collective dance work and i dont think its being trained or utilized correctly. they are suffering from a lack of cohesive stage presence right now and that can be fixed with training and time.

this might be because the group sizes are so different between these three but this choreo is very directionless. mnet is also providing to be absolute garbage at editing and i feel like i can't see the choreo at all.

this is a thing i've noticed with kpop camerawork in general, there’s very little regard for actually viewing the choreo as a singular work. and for some reason the camera always needs to be moving???? people do actually want to see what’s happening on the stage. the choreographer can only see from one spot, so from that spot is how they are intending it to look. you wouldn't need to upload full cams of every music stage if you just filmed the choreo properly in the first place. if you watch the two sdc3 clips i linked you can see a clear difference in maintaining the integrity of the choreo, even though both shows use several cameras and a lot of cuts.  obviously for kpop you want the money shots of idols’ faces but i definitely think there’s a healthier middle ground than what we have now.

ill wait for full subs but i want to know where in the fuck in sk you can rent a tank thas clearly been custom made for underwater photography, because that’s extremely cool even if it was absolutely unnecessary to the actual stage itself. i can think of several ways off the top of my head that would have achieved that same freezing effect without any of that wasted time and effort.

mnet decided to drop full cams while i was writing this and despite watching those my opinions are the same.

in conclusion, some more general thoughts:

i think ikon and btob got it right by leaning more into the theatrical than the cinematic, if that makes sense. i might be talking up my own ass here but these are theatre performances, and they should be treated as such. trying to do things that you can do on film isn't going to do you any favours in the long run, and it makes it harder to make a cohesive performance. i’m harping a lot about narrative but it is so important to performance. although it is not technically necessary, when doing big theatrical performance stages like this it does help with clarity of intent and general success. humans have brains structured around storytelling, it is literally the way our history has been passed down for tens of thousands of years. the atlantic published an article recently on narrative and memory, and it's a really excellent read for maybe after you've taken a break from this behemoth, oh dear god. 

tldr: the stages were good but disappointing in their own ways. mnet continues to sabotage via weird stage design decisions and bad editing. see you next week! (or in my ask box if you have questions)